Fuck You 12th

The internet hasn't been working for the past 4 days now. Its kind of getting irritating, and its been a long time since I wrote. Ive been in my boxers and my t-shirt since morning, or afternoon I should say. Ive been watching old movies, listening to old music and just lazing around. Its that kind of a wednesday which has this boring Sunday kind of a vibe. Im just going to get ready to go for dinner in sometime, which I'm not really looking forward to, but its chinese so I guess it should work fine. For now. 

12th has already started to take its toll. Its getting frustrating. You study for long hours and still don't get good marks. Teachers try their best to humiliate you in class and make sure that your morale goes down. So I guess thats what I get for being a nice but maybe bit of a smart/sneeky child. My history teacher thinks that all I do in school is roam around and flirt with girls (which maybe kind of true) and Im sure most girls think I'm gay. Well as I told another girl, there are TWO very very valid reasons I spend time/interact with girls. Do I need to make it more obvious? And the reason behind me talking to a lot of girls is maybe because Im in humanities which has a majority of girls and maybe because I'm single. So just confirming - Im not gay, I love seeing women. I am sexually aroused towards women and I do not sit at night and watch gay porn when no one else is watching - my private history is a testament to that. On another tangent - my mom kind of knows that I drink, which is sad and good at the same time. Medically I cant drink, but I still do coz I'm a badass (that is meant to be a joke) and my parents go crazy when it comes to all that shit. But then suddenly my mom tells me today that she may know that I drink, so that was kind of comforting also. 

Ive suddenly starting to like the whole idea of being a hippie and roaming around the world. It started with roaming all around the world and then came down the ideas of a hippie considering it involves getting high as well. :P And dreadlocks - one day, when I really become thin and go to college somewhere outside - I SHALL TRY TO KEEP DREADLOCKS! And tattoos as well. All over my hands! I've already come up with ideas for a full sleeve on both the right and left hand. I met this girl in school whose in 10th. She's one of the best artists I've seen in a LONG time! She likes to listen to Metal and Hard Rock and all that crazy shit! And she is fascinated by the whole idea of getting high. So the knowledge that I acquired because of the internet kind of helped me spend some time with her. And its kind of really cool, at least Im working on something. Ive been cordially talking to K for more than 2 weeks now which is really really good. And its kind of cool how things aren't getting awkward and were back to talking about lame stuff and kind of talking how emotional stuff sucks balls. :P On the other hand, I cant get over the fact that N loves Ne, maybe because I still have some feelings for N and maybe because she thinks of me as a really good friend and shares almost everything with me. 

Yeah, I guess thats whats new - for now. Weekly tests, TOEFL on the 25th, Half Yearlies from the 15th of September. Time to study, A LOT. (Sigh) 

Isolation

Its just fucking irritating. Pretending to care, pretending to pay attention, just pretending to notice. Its words and actions that matter. Ive had enough of just sitting alone staring at my laptop screen and doing nothing. I try my best to be what I am, and that always seems to be less. I always seem to fail. May it be as a son, may it be as a friend, anything. I feel the need for belongingness, I feel the need to be appreciated, I feel the need to be respected. Now just look here. If you are reading this. You will see on the right hand side of this page it says more than 1500 views. 1500 views, no comments. NOT A SINGLE COMMENT. What does that do? How does 1500 views make a difference to me if there is no other fucking voice here that has an opinion or thought about my thoughts and what I'm going through. Its like this everywhere. I fucking record the music for everyone. They get the credit for an amazing song, blah blah blah. No one looks at the production, no one looks at the sound quality, no one looks at the effort I put into that track that made it sound good, which in turn made people like it. Its with everyone. With people that I know, with total strangers. Its just everywhere. I always seem to have something to say, whereas the other doesn't even want to get into a conversation with me. Its everyone. I've never felt so isolated. I've hit a creative block. I can't write music that sounds good to me. Ive lost interest in spending hours listening to music. I don't like a single movie out there. I spend my time just staring at my phone and playing Brick Breaker. For what? Everyone is indulged in some activity. They are close with people, they talk. They get appraisal for every single thing they do. 


I play the guitar, I'm going to finish Grade 8 this year. Ive had my share of experience with bands. I have more than 20 videos on YouTube. I produce music now as well. Ive recorded around 5-6 songs already (excluding my own). I have a keen interest in photography. I at least find my photographs better than those lame Facebook photography pages. I respect women. I believe in a serious relationship rather than using some girl for psychological pleasure and fun. Still people tend to ignore me, my presence, my abilities. If there's someone paying attention to me - he/she is either badgering me about something that I lack or making it obvious that I have nothing special in me. I sleep every night thinking about all this, just hoping it would all go away when I wake up in the morning. I go to the gym - take out my frustration. Again, hoping that something would change. When it doesn't, I get frustrated. But then I cant do anything because Im in fucking tuition and I have to pay attention and study. I study from morning till evening, hoping that someone makes some plans with me and I have some excursion out of the house. But no, I just keep sitting at home staring at this fucking laptop. FOR WHAT? 


If you're reading this. PLEASE COMMENT. Please give me a piece of your mind. Please tell me why there's no person in this fucking world who respects my fucking existence. No, this is not an attempt at increasing the number of fucking comments on my blog. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. IM TIRED OF JUST HAVING TO LISTEN TO MYSELF TALK ABOUT WHAT I FEEL. No, I am not having suicidal tendencies. I'm not that weak. Im just sad and broken. I've had enough of having a fucking lame life. Schools going to get over in say 5-6 months. 6 years of nothing. 6 years of pain, suffering, sacrifice. No appreciation, nothing. But the worst thing is. Im not that much of an outcast. Im in no fucking category. There is no one who comes up and tells me that i'm boring or irritating or something. Its just a silent trip. Lips sealed. Really? SPEAK THE FUCK UP! 

"Now I don't think you like me now."

Its one of those moments when you're just left in shock you know. You have no other option but to look away and walk off. No matter how much you want to revisit that moment again, just to see that face again - you know it was just coincidence. So I was running all around trying to find the balcony of the auditorium. I was kind of high - considering I was quite baked around two hours before that. I reached the backstage area by mistake, and there she was. She hadn't changed one bit. The same t-shirt, small jeans and heels. Maybe she got dreadlocks, but I didn't notice that much. God it was so awkward. I mean, I was sure ill see her one day, somewhere. But I never expected to see her on one of my most important days you know. Im about to go on stage in like an hour and boom - she pops in front of me. I could just stand there and keep staring at her all night, but I guess I did the right thing by just going away. Again, if i hadn't done anything. I would have been sitting with her, chilling out - helping her with the prize distributions and shit. She would have waited for my performance and maybe she would have hugged me after the performance was over. At that time, I was filled with hatred. So much hatred. But now I guess all that seems useless, though the after effects were seen on stage, for sure. 

Come to really think of how the whole thing shaped up and fell apart - you tend to miss the moments you spent with a person rather than the person. You want those moments to come back, rather than the person. Its like I've written in one of my songs - "And after all, we will find our home." Now that doesn't mean being together. Peace also exists in places where there is nothing. There is peace in the fact that she is living her own life and I'm living my own. There is peace in the fact that there is no connection between the both of us. Maybe that is what peace really is. When you are alone. Thats when you really come to realize your inner self - so to say. Do I have anything else to say? I don't think so. Would I like to say something about this whole saga? Maybe. For me its just another chapter that is now laid to rest. That was supposed to be laid to rest. I believe I've stopped dreaming now, again. Living in reality makes more sense. Somehow I go back to feeling the same way, but thats just a short time really. The fact that she's not in my mind frame anymore is calming. She's like the wave you loved to surf but don't want to anymore because even though it was cool you just crashed down. 

Why am I talking about this again, all of a sudden? Basically, nothing else has happened that seems to be important. At least, according to me. it was like a small spark in the middle of being monotonous. Thats all. Now I'm back to being all simple and monotonous and cold and non-receptive and into my own. Alone. I find peace that way. Just me and my music, just me and my pot, Thats it for now, I guess. 

Lost

Things seem weird. Its as if they aren't complete. Its like they aren't supposed to be complete. Im just left in this very strange state of happiness and sadness combined. I think theres a perfect balance of both of them, but that is somehow boring me. I used to have so much to think about. But now its like, that eagerness to write is gone - as if there's nothing inside my mind. Maybe I'm becoming less creative also. My body is just getting to lazy that I don't feel like doing anything. Like anything - except for sleeping. I got these new pairs of pillows and now the only thing I look forward to is sleeping. Ive got my concert day after tomorrow. I have been practicing for that for over a month now, hanging out with my band mates and friends and shit - but that also seems to lose interest after sometime. The progress on my EP is getting slower day by day. My musician friends are busy with school work and their SAT exam preparations and shit. They try their best to squeeze out time and work on my songs. I really appreciate that - but its starting to bug me now. I feel very anti-social. Maybe that is what I am. Maybe I am anti-social. Or again, maybe I'm thinking too much. 

Its as if everything is stagnant. I don't like stagnant. Its getting monotonous. Maybe its a sign for good things to come. Maybe its a whole cycle. Who really knows? Nothing could surprise me at this moment. Maybe the only thing that I'm actually looking forward to is reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and well, going to Switzerland. Its been ages since I have used the camera and taken some good pictures. And well, last holiday before grueling months of studies - how can I not be thinking about that? The weather is getting shitty. Things are slowing down. I don't like things slowed down. Delhi doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same when I walk on the road. Its as if its lost something. Its as if everything has lost something. My goal now, shall be to find the thing that is lost. I mean, for how long could it stay lost? I just wanted to write something so that I don't run out of words and ideas. So I guess thats it for now. See, this post also lacks something. This is pissing me off! AAAAA!

Light It Up

Pot. These three letters have changed almost everything. In the last 4 to 5 months, these 3 words have changed my life, my friends, my interests, my decisions - almost everything. These three words have helped me stand up for myself and fight. These three words made fly and feel almost weightless. These three words have got out the worst in me, but at the same time have helped me calm down. I do not get high because everyone does it or its cool to do weed and shit and stuff. I just get high because it helps me relax, it helps me concentrate and it helps me to think more deeply. When the senses seem to fade away, this shit kicks in and boosts your mood up. This is not a justification as to why I smoke up, but just an answer to society. Smoking weed is a bad thing. I don't even consider weed to be a drug because it grows naturally. The governments cannot legalize it only because it grows naturally and they won't be able to tax it. Its much better than drinking alcohol and getting all sloshed and so not in your senses. This shit makes you feel the unfeelable (if that word exists - meaning something which has personally never been felt before). It doesn't harm your body - YES, IT DOES NOT. Its way better than cigarettes and again - It makes you feel ohh so better! ;) Do it once or twice a week and you're cool. Keep a time gap between your joint so that you feel something new every time. Getting baked is good, not bad. You just need to do your research, know where to know from, for how much to score, what to score, to identify what you scored. And the last and the first thing that you need - learn how to roll a good joint. Ohh, you can practice with tea leaves if you have like time to waste but make sure that joint looks beautiful. Or in the words of the great Bob Marley - "If you're naughty, you can smoke it in a bong." Its better if you buy a glass bong but making a ghetto bong out of household appliances isn't bad either. Though this is like open information to everyone - you should not tell people you don't know and trust that you smoke up. Its how society is, they start perceiving you in different ways. So you should know people who are cool with it and if you are lucky enough - you're friends will also love what you're doing. And then you'll have the night stays and the long hours in the washroom sitting in a hotbox and laughing like jackasses. There is so much more to pot than just its criticism. Just don't do anything more than that, coz thats when shit gets heavy. I can, right now say that I will never do stuff like cocaine or heroin ever in my life. And everyone does this shit. You may not even you, your neighbor must be booming every night without anyone knowing. Somehow the magic is the moment when you get high and no one knows that you're high. On the other hand, being high with people is a lot of fun. You somehow connect much more easily. You do not see things, your senses just become more powerful. Music becomes thousand times better, food becomes thousand times tastier. Have anything, you'll feel as if you're having caviars or pizzas. And remember one thing, don't change yourself. You are the same person that you were before, nothing has changed. You just indulge in recreation activities, thats all. Don't care about the people who try to make you stop because you also know you can't do it. Do not feel embarrassed or different from other people, you have no time for their bullshit and be happy with the decision you've made. What you do inside your closed room is nobody's business. If you're happy, get high! You'll feel happier! If you're generally sad and depressed, get high! You'll laugh like you've never laughed before. Spread the love, share the emotion. Because the grass will always remain green. ;) 

Ps :- Im so stoned right now and this shit is so funny. I don't care what people have to say about me. :P 

Deadmen

Would anyone like to share? You, back there? Who, me? Really? Do I really need to share? Or am I fine just hiding all my emotions and thoughts inside? I never knew there this blog would go when I started off. I really didn't know. At one time, it was a necessity. I couldn't sleep without writing something. And look at today - Its been a long time since I've even thought of writing something. Everything has changed so dramatically. Whatever had to happen, has happened. All the heavy and deep stuff is sort of over. For now. Things are currently boring. I surely have calmed down a lot, ill thank the pot for that, but I'm kind of bored with that as well. The only word that can come to my mind is awkward. I don't know why I can't control my dirty perverted thoughts when it comes to people. Im sure they are pissed with me about that. Im somehow really irritating people these days. Its maybe because I'm generally irritated myself. 

I really don't know. Ive lost interested in songwriting. Ive lost interest in doing anything that involves deep thinking or extensive work of the mind. I just don't know why. I really don't know what I want. If I really look at it, I guess I can just call a very small bunch of people my real friends. Somehow people make it so obvious that they don't like my presence or sometimes even my existence. Seriously man, if you have the guts - just tell me! You have a problem with me? Talk to me about it? Don't discuss it with other people. Don't try to spoil the other persons view point about me. I don't have any problem with you, I don't go around saying stuff about you do I? Or should I also start doing that? Sorry, I won't go down to that level. You never really care about me, but when you find out that I smoke - you give me an hour long lecture telling me to quit. Why? Why the concern all of a sudden? Sometimes, I really don't get people man. I have so many questions that are unanswered, unexplained. I really don't get how other humans work, why they work in such fucked up ways. Fuck, I'm just being true. Is it just hard to withstand something which is simply true? I guess that has been the problem all along, accepting the truth. Standing for what is right, standing for what is true. I guess that is where people fail. I guess thats where I prosper and I guess that is the reason I feel alone right now. There is just a lack of people who appreciate my existence. Im not saying that I mind that fact, but I would like things to be back to how they used to be. I want people to get back to being good. I want people to get back to being true, back to accepting the truth. 

Everyone are just like Deadmen, just a physical body - no soul. It really saddens me. Okay, you fucked up. Say sorry man, Id give you another chance. Stop being fucking EGOISTIC! Because of you and your changing attitude, trying to change me - I've been contradicting myself quite often these days. And I don't appreciate that. I have no intensions of falling in love, I have no intensions of connecting with anyone on a deeper level. Though I would still love the company of the geisha long lost and forgotten. She may be the one who comes and rescues me with her art and her aura. I just hope she somehow connects with my art, my soul and makes me feel something different. Feel the vibration, feel the bells toll. But do you really want to go down the same path again? 

One confused little boy. He is 17 now, but still has no idea what live has  in store for him. He is eager. He wants to know, he would go to any depths to find his answers. Until then, he waits patiently. He stares at the clouds and waits for the rain to fall on his face again. He waits for the sun in the morning to rise and give his life a new beginning. She wants the moon to glitter at night and make his life worthwhile. Even going into different worlds doesn't help. The pot is over for sometime now, and so is his song. Until then, he waits patiently. 

"Another Chapter, Laid To Rest"

There it is. The end of another chapter in my life. If I see how this has been emotionally and socially, I’ve almost lost everything at the end. Though, I’m happy for the fact that I at least have some people that I can call my “REAL” friends. I’m also happy because my parents are happy with my effort at the end of this academic year. My year end result wasn’t that good but it wasn’t that bad either, though I personally feel I deserved more. Anyway, except for the never ending emotional confusion that I went through these weeks – they were simply a blast! A road trip with friends, countless night stays, a trip to Goa with just my dad, countless movies, parties, contemplation sessions etc etc. From tomorrow starts maybe the most enduring academic year that I’ll ever face. Class XII. This is it, nothing else matters (thank Metallica for that).

What do I look for is this academic session? I just hope I find more people whom I can trust and who actually give a shit about what I think. I’m not looking for love, but if it comes and knocks me at my door – I won’t mind giving it another try, I just won’t get deep if that’s possible? I just hope I get good marks in my boards so that I can apply to the UK and get accepted into maybe Cambridge or Oxford. I know it sounds huge, but I believe that I can do it. What the hell? Seriously, I’ve been through tougher shit before in my life. My Solo EP is delayed, now I'm looking at say end of June. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to stretch it more than that, I just hope I finish it by June. Am I looking for a band? No. I really don’t want to be in a band right now, I don’t think I’ll be able to contribute that much and I really can’t afford to deal with altering egos at this moment. Finally signing up for guitar classes tomorrow, really stoked for Soundwavez 2012 (The annual concert of Parikrama School of Music). I plan to record more bands in the coming months. I really want to do a lot but unfortunately I have really less time. I don’t think I’m doing anything else after July than studying, except for my Grade 8 guitar exam.

I just hope that I end up at the better place after March 2013. What I cannot afford is another emotional set-back, not that I’m scared of one – but I really am fed up of just getting into a compromising position. Anything else? I guess this is the 100^th time I’ve heard Unforgiven 2 in two days. God, how can you not love Metallica? Fucking Genius. I’m soon going to write about James for sure. That is long overdue, and yes yes – I shall click more this year! I went to a Think Floyd Gig the other day at Hard Rock and really got some good pictures. And to finish up, I hope I’m keeping this blog entertaining and realistic at the same time. Though I’ve not yet received a single comment, I won’t back down because I like what I’m doing here. :D

"Sincerely, Fuck Off"

Not that I care, but why should I blame myself? God! You really need to keep that ego in check. -.-

Bye. 

Yes, Now I See The Sun

You somehow always end up feeling that what you’ve done is wrong. You blame yourself for the problems you are facing because you just aren’t ready to believe that the people you trusted would do something to harm you. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation for the past year or so. Throughout 2011, I faced a large number of problems and I blamed myself for all of them. I always thought that people could improve and that I should give them the opportunity to improve. Some people did improve, but others just ended up harming me even more. It was always very hard for me to accept the fact that they were wrong because they really meant a lot to me, but I somehow always knew the truth. What then happens is that you stop accepting the truth; you kind of make a world of your own. The thing to fear here is, you should not escape reality. I was luckily saved by some close friends of mine and I got back on track. Right now, I’ve done something that may just haunt me for the rest of my life, but I’m proud of it. I took a stand for my own happiness. You don’t get everything you know. Some people aren’t supposed to be a part of your lives; rather some people don’t deserve to be in your lives. They have harmed you enough and its time for them to go, no matter how much you loved or cared for them. And it’s best to just forget about them, may it be a person you knew for more than 10 years or someone you knew for just about a year.

You’ve got to be true and straight forward, but don’t trust anyone without thinking. And trust me, if girls give advice about other girls – listen to it. Face it; we boys can never understand girls. For us, girls are just so complex; they never seize to amaze. You really need to know your boundaries or you might just end up storing your emotions and feelings in her hands, and she may take full advantage of it. You will be tested time and again. The person would look for your support when he/she need it and then will discard you for someone else that they really want to get serious with. Sadly, you are not that person and there is nothing you can do about it. So its better you end it as fast as possible. Say whatever you have to say, don’t keep anything inside and don’t be scared. Don’t care about the consequences and just have confidence in yourself. The positive thing that maybe I’ve gained through my experiences is confidence. I am confident about what I want from life and what I want to do. Don’t worry, don’t lose hope. You will also find someone who is looking for you and who respects your emotions. It is true, you just have to wait. You may be desperate, but you should never hurt anyone’s sentiments deliberately.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve learnt who my true friends are and I’m going to stick with them. As far as relationships and girls are concerned, I’m done for sometime – at least college, unless something happens on its own. I’ve moved on, and I’ve never felt better.

Coz You're Unforgiven Too

“These last two weeks have really been confusing for me. It’s been a really tough time, and I guess I know what to do next. I just hope what I do would benefit me. I’ve known you for almost a year now and there hasn’t been anyone that has become so important to me in such a small time, ever. I feel I have you figured out now; at least that is what I think. To face the fact that all I was, was a spare and someone you need for emotional support, is just hurting. I do not regret anything that I’ve done. Whatever I did, I did it for myself and what I thought was right. Maybe loving you was a mistake, but I don’t regret it. It was that feeling that made me happy in a time where I was really losing track of things. I do not regretting my feelings on this blog. I never knew you would care enough to follow it. I guess I did underestimate you at times. But I want you to know, this is the place where I would look back and remember how I loved you and what I felt for you. This is a place where I would be able to recollect everything when I would be a bit older, because I don’t regret knowing you for even one bit. You are an amazing person; the fact that you gave me importance when no one else did was just overwhelming to say the least. You may find all this lame and boring, but this means a lot to me.  This always meant a lot to me, you always meant a lot to me.

I really don’t know where to stop. It’s just that, I’ve got so much to say to you. Im risking not even hanging out with you, something id die to do. No matter how much I try to be only friends, I can’t stop thinking about you in the way Ive been thinking about you. I know I’m losing a lot here, but I guess that’s just something I have to deal with it. It’s obvious that you don’t intend to help me stop thinking about you in that way and I guess that really suits you. You know the fact that I love and you like the fact that I’m your so called “puppet”, but I’m done here. I'm really done. You meant a lot to me, but you no longer mean anything to me. I'm no longer hung on you; I'm free as a bird. I’m glad you fell in love with someone else and I’m glad that you’re happy now. I hope you get into a good college and get settled. I just hope you might look back and remember me as the person who loved you from the bottom of his heart rather than the friend you used as an emotional backup. It was nice knowing you.”

Fascination

                                "I believe in you, I can show you that

                                 I can see right through, All your empty lies

                                 I won't last long, in this world so wrong."

19th March 2012

Its funny how sometimes a normal night stay with good old friends and two emotional movies with Emma Watson do to you. Its been 24 hours now since I've inhaled any 'herb' so to say and I still feel the same way. The past 2 days were so epic, that I don't even remember them. I'm not joking when I'm saying that. Im just thinking so deeply right now. I just pissed off X so badly. I tried talking to X2 about it but I guess she's sleeping now. Im listening to Trains (Porcupine Tree) right now and I'm feeling very weird. Im in a room where theres a huge kick drum beside me, a chair and a throne (drum throne) which is fallen on the extreme left of the room. Im sitting on a sofa which is so comfortable that I don't even feel like getting up even if I'm alone or hungry or anything. This is different. My exams ended on the 13th of March. I have not written anything since then. This is the first time I'm even opening text edit and writing something down. I guess I really should have used my trips and just write something, but it was supposed to be a secret. And it still is a secret, something you would never know. Unless you're really hot and you'll love me or you're Emma Roberts. Okay, that was supposed to be a joke okay? 

Im in the last year of schooling now. There are hardly 8 months of school remaining, then ill be out. I need to make these months count. Somehow, I need to improve my life. I have slowly started to appreciate it and feel good about how it already is, but now its time to just make it better and if there is rejection or failure, NOT BACK DOWN. I do not have a girlfriend, Im looking for love. Being single is irritating me now. So first is that I need to find someone who thinks like me and loves me for what I am. Get into a relationship with that girl, have a nice emotional support so to say? For doing that - I need to lose weight and just clean myself up a bit. I need to start going to gym as soon as possible. I need to grow as a musician. AND I need to get good marks in 12th. Just one year - its either everything, or nothing. The term 'something' doesn't make sense to me anymore. Im done with the term 'something'. That may be very hypocritical but the only thing I have to say in my defense is that I've grown as a person. Every single day, I'm growing and my thoughts will keep changing. Maybe ill stop loving X that much you know. Its all so different yet all linked together. Its like this maze with a simple solution to it, just the way to go about it is not yet sorted out. I really don't know where I'm heading with this but I feel very happy right now and at the same time I feel very sad. I really needed to listen to Xs voice. Its fucking insane. And on top of that, I pissed her off. So i don't know when I'm going to talk to her next. Brilliant! 

Im somewhere a bit sad at what has happened in so much time. The world changes so much its not funny. You should try your best to change what you can, and what you can't change - accept it as it is. Not many people can do that. I can't do that. But I will do it now. I just hope that by October 2012, I will have a post here which will be ALL positive. I just hope! My results come out on the 23rd of March. Really anxious and scared for that. I just hope I get a good result so that I can go for Download. 

Ps - X and X2 are just people you are not supposed to know about. Hehe. :p 

Those High Times #3

Let me tell you one thing. Girls are so dumb, its not even funny. I really thought they would have a mind on their own, I thought they had an intelligent mind - but theres no one like that. That's really sad. I mean, its not really hard to differentiate the asshole and the good guy you know. We know in 5 seconds if a person is in ass, or if he's the good one. Where does your brain fuck up where you don't know how to distinguish? The good guy stays with you for much longer than that asshole you're going to be in a relationship with. He loves you far more than that bastard, he's going to take more care of you than any of those jerks out there and he's going to respect you more than anyone. Is that something less? Or you're looking for something more? Like a fucked up brain which these assholes have? So, they look hot, proud and cocky - Y U LIKE THEM? And Im talking from experience - this is somewhat how it happens :-

The good guy shares a really friendly relationship with the girl. He thinks she's damn beautiful and the most legit and true person out there. She just thinks of the good guy as a friend, not someone she would date or go out with. You hide your feelings, but whatever you want to say to her, you ultimately say it. And the day you tell her, she replies by saying that she needs you "as a friend" or "My past is fucked up, I don't believe in relationships." What would be the difference between then and now? Let me tell you - its going to be the same. He's gonna talk in the same way he has always talked with you. You will be his top priority like it was before. He's going to take care of you just like before. Still, he expects nothing. The only thing changes is that he tells you what he has already been feeling for so long. Nothing else. And it doesn't make you a difference because you never thought of him in that context. So isn't that the ideal guy you want? So where is the fucking brain here? I hate how boys have somehow come to a level where they have really become mature. What is with the girls man? I only know a handful of girls who have chosen the right guy. And that is a rarity, sadly. 

I always question myself as to why all this shit happens to the good guys? Its said that we don't say the things at the right time. So what the fuck is the right time? He tells you he loves you, you tell him to stop thinking that way and in a matter of days you're in a relationship with some asshole? Now where does the "I don't believe in relationships" come from? Where does the "I need you as a friend right now" come from? I really want to know. Why are you all so fucking dumb? Open your minds. It would be better if you think twice before taking a decision. I have faced this experience first hand, and trust me, everyone breaks. You don't have the right to go around breaking peoples hearts. 

And for those who have gone through something like this, for future use - fucker. Its not that you don't deserve her, she doesn't deserve you. So forget about her, because trust me - its better.  

My thoughts on "KONY 2012"

So the world was exposed to KONY 2012 around two days back. It send a shockwave throughout Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, Blogger and any other social network site that exists. So what is KONY 2012 really about? It is a program run by a 'non-profit organization' called Invisible Children. This was my experience through the whole movie and what I felt about it, and what I feel about it now. 

So I found the video link of the video on a friends profile on Facebook. I have no idea what made me watch it, but I had just gotten over with my English exam and was too bored. After watching the whole movie, I cried. I told my parents about it, took the pledge on their site and ordered 3 action packs. I was suddenly stoked about 20th April 2012. It was as if I had found this motive in life, to say the at least. I was really stoked about it. I shared it on Facebook, posted it on my friends' walls etc etc. And then the whole world started posting about it. Then I came across this link to an article on the Red Seas Fire page (its a British Band) and what I read really made me sad. You can read the article here :- http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com/

I don't want to repeat whatever is written there. And it is important you read the whole thing to understand what this is all about. So according to the article, Invisible Child are basically making money out of this so called campaign for rescuing kids in Uganda and Africa against the atrocities of Joseph Kony. I felt as if everything that I had thought about the whole day was now useless. It felt as if I had been fooled, as if the world had been fooled. I slept on that. -.- But today, I looked at a more broader aspect. So here's this organization who is trying to make Kony famous so that he gets known throughout the world and gets persecuted for the heinous acts he has committed against the children of Uganda and Africa. Now if this organization is somehow making this possible? If this organization is interacting with the US government and helping out the Ugandan army in somehow killing Kony, what is the harm if they make some money out of it? If it gets the job done, where is the problem? 

Again, this is just what I think. People are going to be fickle minded. Let them be. First the video went viral, so people started posting about it praising Invisible Children, now after the blog post of Visible Children - people are hating Invisible Children. Why? Can't you just do some research and make your stand? An affirmative stand? I made my stand. Yes, I do feel a bit weird about the whole KONY 2012 movement and Invisible Children, but if it weren't for them - We would not have known. So I still support the movement, but keep in mind that I also support the need for Joseph Kony to be convicted and killed. I hope this movement goes somewhere. Im going to be out on the streets of Delhi on the 20th of April. WIll you? 

Through Deserts And Seas

Its 8:15 in the morning right now. I don't remember the last time I got up this early on a non-school day. Over with 2 exams. I have English tomorrow. Maths and History went really well, shockingly. Yesterday was fun! Amazing Earthquake! Crazy time during tuition. :P A bit of a boring evening. Tried to study English, went off to sleep at 11! Yes, that early. -.- 

And again, these days I've been just thinking about what I really want in life. Someone asked me the other day - "Do you have a girlfriend?" And I was like, you know - not really. And then they were like, "Yaar sabko chahiye hoti hai, shy mat ho." But I wasn't shy at all. I really think I don't want a girlfriend right now. I don't think I can be committed to a relationship right now. Unless something happens in the moment or something like that, no. You may think I'm a jerk, but I feel like having a physical relationship with someone, and thats seems not possible. So I just try to not think about it. And then somehow what my friends told me a year back, totally makes sense now! Relationships are too weird and messy and fucked up at the end of it. Nothing gets serious till college. People are just too fake or just not themselves. They try to portray something when they really aren't that. Im not denying that Ive not acted like that. But it is disastrous in the end. "And thats the thing about people who mean everything they say - They think everyone else does too."

The world has changed drastically, and I don't think its for the good. Now if theres an earthquake, people don't call each other to ask if all is good or even run for protection - They upload their Facebook statuses. Yes, I did that as well, But I really don't know where to draw the line. Maybe because I had nothing to do or maybe because no one was bothered if I was okay or not. I mean, people start talking about it with each other. No one seems to talk to me about it. Maybe thats a reason. But its just complicated. I somehow hate where humans are going. The importance of emotional relationships has just been forgotten. I see kids in 7th grade smoking in the school washrooms, fucking around dating 2 girls at the same and decreasing in height every year. What is happening? On the other side of the world. Randy Blythe stands up for elections of the United States Of America, and his campaign is bashed only because he's one of the worlds best Metal frontmen out there? I mean, how lame can this world be? "Metal makes people do wrong things." Really? Im sure If I would ever think of killing someone one day - Id just listen to my favorite Lamb Of God record and it would make me relax rather than make me more aggressive and angry. People just don't seem to understand the human sentiment anymore. Everyone thinks that what they say is correct and that is the gospel truth. That arrogant nature, that you are below me or I am higher than you - never seems to fade away. Something more like "You're not in my league." I mean, who are you to decide what the position of a person in society is? Just because your parents have good money and you drive an Audi and you're popular in school, doesn't make you higher than others. I mean, its just an example - Im not referring it to anyone. 

And then there are the weird ones. How can you like Watcha Say by Jason Derulo, which is totally copied by Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap more than Hide And Seek by Imogen? So now you listen to music also for entertainment? Its not about the intricacy of the music? What happened to the hard work that these musicians put in? Thats just less than all the computer programmed auto-tune shit? I have so many questions that I want this world to answer. But then again, its what I think. Someone else may think differently, but this is just me. And I'm proud that today, I have my own ideals and thoughts that drive to think in a certain way. Im happy that I have an identity and I'm proud of it. Yes, some unexpected things have happened in the last 2-3 months which I thought would never happen with me, but irrespective of that - Life seems on track. About the world? Don't know. Just got to ignore it I guess. I guess this is the time you make a world by yourself. Yeah? Anyone help me in doing that. Join me please? Id like a broader, but intelligent view. Anyway, now I shall go study English. And I have no idea what I just wrote here. 

Those High Times #3 - "Emotional Barriers"

Sometimes I just feel the need to love some you know. And that moment, every girl seems to be great. I don't see any girl that really moves me to think differently right now. Considering Ive really thought of just closing myself emotionally. But then ultimately I just feel like loving again. Its weird how we just forget stuff you know. I wish I could have held on the people that were important to me you know, from the beginning. Today, if I see - I do miss having a large friend circle, but now Im just happy to at least know a few people that I can trust. Its that care, that support that I sometimes need. Feel happy you know. Feel really because of someone. I have no idea why I'm writing this? What I decided when I was sober, was nothing like what I'm saying right now. :P This is blasphemy! AAA! Lets see who wins? But this is real fun, god it makes you relax, this magic puff. Its just amazing you know? It fuckn does it! You instantly want to feel all calm and relaxed, this is what you do. 

Change?

So its 4:28 am. February 29th - yeah, the extra day that comes every 4 years. :P What will I be doing tomorrow/today? Well, studying maths. Yeah, exams from Friday. I'm only scared about Maths, everything else is great. Yeah, I've been studying 7-8 hours of ONLY Maths for the past 3-4 days. Its torturing so to say. My hands hurt. But the reason I'm up right now? THE NEW JASON MRAZ EP YOOO! Man! This new EP is the shizz! It made my fucking day! Im really happy right now! REALLY! Anyway, so basically - Ive got a LOT to plan for March and April! GOD! And all that will require quite a stable state of mind - yeah, I'm reaching there. 

I feel much better now, generally. I don't know, maybe my views about some things have changed. In the past years, with the experiences I've faced - I may have become a bit judgmental. Yeah, I know its wrong but I somehow feel that it would safeguard me for sometime at least. I won't trust anyone blindfoldedly maybe, or even give anyone a benefit of a doubt (which I have been doing in the past). At the moment, I really have a less number people that I really trust, and I just want to keep my relations with them the same. I obviously have emotional expectation and requirements, but Im just going to keep that on less priority now. Yes, a lot of change in priorities has occurred in the past 2-3 months. Though I'm still confused about what I really want to do. I mean, university and then what? Just another month and ill be in class 12. The deciding year. If it comes to studies, their burden is SO much right now - WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN 12th? Then BOARDS! AAA! And the disadvantage of the wonderful CCE, I have no experience of a fucking Board Exam. Yeah, thats for that Kapil Sibbal. One more thing I'm thinking about is really opening to people more. I mostly just say what I want to, but I've kept a lot inside for a long time. And I'm tired of peoples diplomacy. It doesn't work for me anymore. It may have worked some time back, but now it really pisses me off. So before I forget anything, I guess Im just going to make use of my wonderfully creative mind and just say some stuff to a certain number people. Yes, it involves some really deep stuff, apologies to a large number of people. and some answers from some people. 

Another thing - Going off somewhere with just friends after the exams get over. Really looking forward to that. I have never had a trip with JUST friends - So that is a first. That would be great! EXAMS! Y U NO GET OVER? :P (Imagine the troll picture please!). AND AND AND! I need to convince my parents to buy me the Download 2012 tickets as fast as possible! God, please make this happen! PLEASE! Its the 10th anniversary - METALLICA, BLACK SABBATH, TRIVIUM, DEVIN TOWNSEND, MACHINE HEAD, PERIPHERY! AAAAAAA! PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN! I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU! Okay, Im done. :P 

Fuckery/Fakery

Rewind back 12 years or more. What do I want to do when I grow up? I could never answer this question when I was a kid. I would just say, maybe a lawyer. I mean, thats all I ever heard. In the house, there were people who either cut up bodies of human beings on a bed with lights on top of them, or the people who would read files, argue in front of some old man and bring justice in the lives of people. The second part just seemed cool so I would go with it. 

Fast Forward to right now. What do I want to do when I grow up? The dream would be, pursue music. Maybe get a degree from Berklee, TISCH or Trinity. Start working as maybe a music producer or something to support myself, along with that make a band. Make a huge success with the band - make albums, tour, become sensations - get known internationally. Thats the dream. What will I probably do? Study like a fucking ass throughout this year, till March next year. Keep listening to shit the people around me. My thoughts and ideas will obviously not be appreciated because I will need to have the marks to get into a good college. I mean, If I don't study - I won't even get into a capitation college. So yeah, after that ill do college from somewhere out of India, come back - do Law. Be a lawyer for the rest of my life. No music, nothing. What could be an alternative from this fucked up life? Just somehow get into any university in the UK. SOMEHOW! My parents will be happy. There, I will be able to expand my knowledge of music and maybe form bands and make music. Maybe do gigs, release albums, but most of all - See thousands of bands because everyone comes to the UK, Right? 

I believe that is possible, but then for a very limited time. After say 3 or 4 years, Ill be back in India and won't have the same options and space as compared to England. People will be the usual people, not so open. They will keep questioning me in whatever I do, try to put me down. I mean, thats how society is. But then the million dollar question which I still haven't been able to answer, Do i follow my dreams or what my parents want for me? or rather, what my parents want from me. Sounds rude, but its true. Somewhere deep down inside, every parent wants their children to do something really specific. They want to see them in a certain position. So yeah, thats how it is. And its fucking with me every single second. Then there is the psychological stress of a teenagers mind. Its not as funny as it sounds. Im just too tired of thinking of how to make my own life - It seems I'm just being ordered to do something and live life how society wants me to. I wish my parents weren't emotional, otherwise I would have somehow not cared. But the fact is that they love me and they want to make sure that i don't fall in trouble when I grow up. But then again, only from my mistakes will I learn and become something on my own. I don't want to be dependent on anyone and neither do I want anyone to expect anything from me. That thought just drives me crazy. Its like I don't do things for myself, but for others. You know what, lets get into a University in the UK. My parents will be happy, their name will be good in society because of their one and only son. But what about me? 

Do my views also count? On top of that basic teenage fuckery/fakery. Its really hard to digest how people can be so cold and so insensitive. Its beyond me. I don't know if I'm depressed or not, but I sure don't feel happy. -.- I mean, school is good. Some people do make me feel happy and I have fun, but then most of the times its like I have to fight for attention. And then I come back home and its all sucky again. Tuition teachers cannot be worse. I really don't know how Im going to go through the next 3 weeks. FUCK! 

13th February 2012

The fact that I still love her, really creeps me out. And what my friend rightly said, I loved her for what she was. I really don't care that she's in love with someone else, but it does sting sometimes. Like generally, she would be talking to me right now - But she's gaming with him. The sole reason she's up till 1:50 at night (with was rarely the case) is because of him. She vowed not to get emotionally attached to anyone. I thought I could change that. But sadly, that was not to be. And then its just so hard to gasp sometimes, you know. There is just so much that I have got to say. Well, fuck yeah I'm emotional. Im proud to be a person like that. Im proud that it doesn't take me much time to say what I really want to say. Im proud that I don't feel hesitated. I mean, this blog was public from the beginning. The only reason I blocked it for non blogger users is because she read the posts and it was quite awkward. And then it was the people telling me to not make it public. Anyway, fuck that. The fact is, Im happy that she is happy and in content, but I really really miss her. As a friend, as someone whom I loved, as someone whom I can just talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss that space of satisfaction she gave me. Sure id love to talk to her everyday at night, even today - after everything that happened. My minds all confused. Then on top of that, I feel like I like 2-3 girls but am hesitant. Why is this all getting so confusing and problematic? I just want someone who just likes me for the person who I am. Im just looking for a sweet girl man. Im not demanding anything. All I need is the truth and the trust. When I see people like Sid and Maduli, I really feel happy and you know, just kind of move on - thinking one day I will have someone like that who will love me no matter what happens. But then it just doesn't happen. Yeah, I know. I seem to just be writing about how sad I am or how desperate I am? Sure I sound desperate right now, but I don't know. I don't want a relationship, I just want someone who loves me and gives me that special feeling - that special space. That special space which is not for everyone else, just for me. Im ready to give that to someone on the drop of the hat. That may not be the best thing, but Im ready to take the fucking leap. Im kind of scared though. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be that expressive, but then I feel as if I've not lived if I haven't gotten out everything inside. There are still things I haven't told her. There are still things I would like to tell her everyday, every moment - just keep repeating it, but you know. Thats it I guess, for now. I still love her, and thats somehow haunting me now. 

Those High Times #2 - "Heavily Baked"

I mean, why do I have the funniest and interesting conversations with girls who are already in a relationship? It would be wonderful if I had conversations like that with girls who are single, right? I mean, there's so many fish in the sea. I just need one of them, thats it. Anyone man! Im tired of talking to girls already in relationships talking about how cute their boyfriend is or how much they love their boyfriends blah blah blah. The list is fucking endless. Gosh, please! Just someone! I can be an interesting person. Why don't you just knock on my door? Im eagerly waiting for someone to open the door, find me and make me whole. Does that make sense? Gosh I'm so baked right now. Aaahhh! Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek, Phone, No laptop, baked. Ohh there is so much I want to write. But I don't know if I should write it or not. I keep trying to give you personal information , but it should be interesting as well. I don't want to bore you guts. Even if its like 4-5 people, I don't care. I'm just a simple boy with a confused/fucked teenage brain. 

They say where there is love, there is no fear. Sadly, I'm feared of loving again. Yeah, I just defied those ideologies there. Its like I really have to think about a thousand times before I convince myself that I like a certain girl. Yes, Its very intimidating. Love is supposed to set you free, here its locking me down inside this prison cell. Its like I'm caught in a web. Do you know how that feels? If you do, then i really feel for you too. After all that, I still love her. Yes, sadly - I still love her. Though she has a boyfriend now, shesmovedon. Im still in denial. What happened to all the good materials of life? Where did that life go away? Someone please hand it back to me. I beg of you. Aahhhh. Okay, bye now. 

Those High Times #1

"He'd known her for more than 11 years now. They were the best of friends. He had an amazing sense of humor, he was popular, good looking and overall - a very simple guy. He was quite the emotional guy. But she wasn't. Past experiences made her emotionally hurt and she didn't believe in any emotions anymore. She shut herself emotionally. All she wanted to do was hook up, whereas he loved her but was afraid to tell her. Being close friends, they met almost everyday. Even if it may be class XI, they spent quality time with each other. And then they hooked up. Curious thing, for the first time, it was different. "Im in love with this kid." After a long time, she finally felt emotional. She acted all normal for a moment. She became a human again. She fell in love, he was already in love. And they lived happily ever after." 

The usual good boy, good girl, great couple story? What if it something similar happened with you? But sadly, I'm the guy not in this short script. Im the one who loves the girl in this script and doesn't get her. Im the one who loses out. It really gets frustrating. You feel jealous, you feel angry, you obviously fell sad. You're broken. As if all that wasn't enough, this made me feel so much worse. This hit me straight in the heart! I mean, Im happy that she's happy. I really am, but I would have been happier if we would have been happy together. I mean, I was over her. And then this happened. Why? Why does all this shit have to happen with me? She finally feels emotional! After all this time, and guess who is it for? NOT ME! YAAYY! But again, I'm the good guy. And I do feel happy that she is happy. But mostly, I'm happy that she told me the truth. Im happy that she actually opened up to me. I feel happy that I made it less awkward for her. Im happy that I acted as a friend to her and helped her out. Im happy she's still my friend. And most of all, I'm lucky, because I'm in love with my best friend. I have just got to live in reality. Dreams keep coming. Somewhere down the line, I'm going to feel the same way about someone else, or someone may feel the same way about me. You never know. But one thing is clear - You cannot let your dreams come in the way of reality. Its important they stay in their respective places. You just have to stand up and give life a kick in the ass, you know. Something like that. Im still a bit confused, but I know Ill get past all this. There shall be a new beginning. There shall be a new script. There will be a new script. And the guy in the script, will be me. 

Nostalgia, Anger, Helplessness.

Sometimes even a smile on a young boys face can make your day. Something so innocent, so pure. Just seeing him laugh on stuff that was so generic and simple. It makes me think again. Childhood. Those were the times. Seriously, looking back. Life was so much simpler. It was so positive and happy and all that good shit. The grass was lush green, the moon was perfectly lit, the sun was beautiful. The smallest things mattered. Nowadays, everything is just taken for granted, isn't it? Friendship, people, love, respect, life. All these terms are just so cliched. I mean, my life is a mess right now. Why cant it be perfect like it was back then? Why cant we all be together again, and just forget about everything else? Now I crave for the days when my mum would sing me lullabies and put me to sleep. I crave for the days my dad used to take me on a drive to just anywhere and we would just sing along to those Madonna and Bee Gees over and over again. I miss having fun conversations with my parents. I miss keeping a birthday part with return presents and the musical chairs and the "khoii bags" as they were called. I miss playing hide and seek and the bornvita milk. Sometimes, I just want all that to come back. I mean back then, who would have imagined that life would be such a bitch? Its just so complex now and you know, theres so many expectations. Its like your breath is being taken away from you every moment. "Where are you going? When will you come back? Call me when you reach there. Why haven't you left yet? Its getting late. Come back now. What did you do? Why did you get late? When you are you going to study? Are you going to sleep now? Why haven't you gone to sleep yet? What time are your tuitions tomorrow?" OK, JUST STOP! ITS ENOUGH! IVE HAD ENOUGH! LET ME BREATHE! Seriously? Im beginning to have a life now, and please let me live it. I know you're concerned about me, but I'm no longer the small kid who would just go in circles around you. I may not know it feels but I'm sure it feels bad. But you also have to understand what Im going through. You need to atleast let me free so that I can spread my wings. Trust me, nothing will happen. I will still be that small child. I will never grow past that. Just give me the chance. I am capable enough. Believe in me, for I believe in you. But I'm sorry, I don't need to depend on you anymore, so just give me my space and my time. PLEASE! I will make you proud, you just need to trust me. Be patient! I know my responsibilities, and I know what I have to achieve myself. Just give me a chance. 

Nostalgia #1

As he went into the pre-operation room, he was given a pair of plastic bags to wear as shoes. He was already wearing the blue/white dress you wear in a hospital before you're going to get operated. His mother was waiting outside, trying to converse with him. If it weren't the pre-operation room, she would be sitting next to him talking loudly and just try to make him feel comfortable and relaxed. The time was approaching near. "Mummaa! Where's Papa?" "Ohh he's just coming, you know how he is. The relationship between him and hospitals are as usual, bad." His dad was around 20 feet away, standing outside the lift - fearing the very sight of his child in the pre-operation room. But he still had the guts to walk those 20 feet and be there for his child, for he was the rising sun in his life. Nothing else mattered. 

"No.5 - Master Srivastava, please." The feeling of anxiety that crossed his mind. He could die out there. He knew he was in the best of hands, but he was simple scared. Anything could go wrong. What if someone didn't cut him properly? What if the operation wasn't successful? What if the light went out in the Operation Theater? He was scared, but he was ready. He had the courage to lie down on the old, noise creating stretcher. It was either here, or there. He knew the difficulties, he knew the seriousness of the matter. "Everything will be fine. We will be waiting for you, come fast!" As soon as his father finished the sentence, he broke into tears, followed by his mother. For a second, he was going to cry - but he held his nerve. He had to overcome this and move on. I mean, he was just 16. There was a whole life in front of him. He hadn't finished school. He hadn't had even a single girlfriend, he hadn't experienced his first kiss, his friends were waiting for him to have a jam again. There was just took much to lose. As he looked up the stretcher, he saw lines of Operation theaters on both the right and left side, running endlessly. It seemed like a mirage, like a never ending path. Either you come back the way you came from, or travel further, into infinity. 

He entered the Operation Theatre. Four doctors picked him up and placed him on the main operation stretcher. Ahh, the coziness and the softness. He look a sigh of relief. His back was really starting to hurt on that crooked stretcher. A doctor started conversing with him, explained to him the whole procedure of the operation. There was the anesthesia team, then there was the operation team. He was surrounded by all sorts of wires, tumblers, words everywhere, hi-tech computers - all that techy hospital stuff. He felt nice. He could relate to it. "Ohh, Toshiba! Thats a nice monitor", he said to himself. He had never spoken that much to himself ever in his life. It was just him and his mind. A doctor started talking to him, asking him where he studied, how old he was, what were his parents' names, did he have a girlfriend or not. Basically he was getting a heavy dose of local anesthesia on his back. When the needle went in, it did hurt. Irrespective of the thousands of blood tests and the thousands of needles that pierced through his skin, a needle on the back really stung. And the pain when the anesthesia was released. It felt like a huge mass just demolishing the muscles inside and trying to enter inside. But he took the pain. One followed, then another one entered. The moment he would feel its done, another one would enter his back. After 5 injections, it was done. His back was numb now. He really had problems switching back to his original position. It was painful. Little did he know, pain was going to become a part of his life for the next 3 weeks or so. So the doctor told him about the anesthesia, the main anesthesia that would put him to sleep. And he was surrounded by a wonderful white light. The mask supplying pure oxygen was put over his mouth. And in the next ten seconds, he reached a different place altogether. 

He said, "I do not remember the next 3 hours AT ALL! It was as if they just put me to sleep there, and I got up in the recovery room." All seemed so much fun and he was happy that he faced a new experience in life. He was on the verge of facing something no one could have dreamt of at his age. This was the time he would become unique, this was the time he would cheat death and come out a stronger 16 year old teenager. This was the time when he became a man. He was brave, easy to handle and most important thing of all, he had hope. he believed that god would save him. And so he did. 

Redemption?

"I appreciate everything you've done/felt/thought of me. But talk to me when you know you can handle it."

Yes, she replied. It may be harsh, but its true. I was selfish, self-centered, utterly emotional, and I made a joke of myself. I was a dick. Yeah, I agree to that. I guess the fact that I can reply to her message now is solely because of her reply. It took me ages to figure out what was wrong with me. Embarrassingly, she realized it a long time back and was actually getting pissed off with it while i was connecting the dots. Yeah, I guess I can still say I love her. But now Im sure that I control my emotions with her. I go back to a relation id imagined with her a long time back. A vision that would have been happening right now if I wouldn't have fucked up. Hanging out, having coffee, beers, getting wasted, getting lunch/dinner (without it being called a date), maybe fooling around. Yeah, Id imagined all that. If that much would  have happened, I would have been a happy man. But well, the world is driven by the desire to get more. Greed, as they commonly call it. She saved me. And I still love her for the fact that she is true, she's not concerned with any emotional shit, she helps people, she guides people, she is confident, she is independent. She is just awesome. And well then she's hot and cute and beautiful but thats just what I feel about her. Anyway, the point is - Maybe she will start talking to me again. Maybe I will hear her voice again, her laugh again. Maybe I will get a second chance, and trust me, this time - I will not fuck it up. I SWEAR! And I'm going to become less emotional, at least try to be less emotional. Thats a resolution. Goal? To hang out with her once, just once - just the both of us, as friends. Just two individuals having a blast playing the PS3. Yeah. I just hope it gets back to the good old shit. 

Confession

Come to think of it, I never really thought about how you would feel about all this. I mean it was always about what I felt. I tried to ignore you in order to get over you, but that never seemed to work. And then I started blaming you for the condition I was in. Somehow the hate message felt good. I don't know why, but it just did. But that was just momentary and now it feels disgusting and disrespectful when I read it back. Im really sorry. I really don't have anything else to say. I mean, you actually cared for me. I know, whatever I wrote before was totally opposite to this, but somehow I never really meant that. I was an asshole, a big one. You called me and I didn't pick up. It was rude, but frankly, I didn't have the guts to pick up the call. I always wanted to be friends. It was all just perfect. We would have actually had a lot of fun together, But then I got fucked up, cannot really rectify that. My loss. I still remember how we used to talk before and Im sorry that I made it awkward for you. You are an amazing person. I don't even know if you're going to reply to this. I just want you to know, that you were the best thing that happened to me last year, not in terms of anything else - just as a friend. And well, I am emotional. I just can't shut myself can I? Its who I am, and I think that could never change. And please don't call, because I still won't have the guts to pick up the phone, though I would give anything to hear that laugh again. I know that there is no way things can get back to how they were when we were really good friends, and I don't expect anything from you either. I didn't know what I was thinking and it was all my fault. I'm really sorry. Best of luck for your pre-boards, boards. Study hard, and I'm sure you'll get into a really good college here. Best of luck bro, I guess ill never have a friend like you again. 

Bye! Take care, Cuhreep.

I still love her, I don't know when Ill be able to get over her. But eventually ill have to. Its actually time when I need to shutdown myself emotionally. Im all materialistic and into the physical shit? Yeah. Whatever it is, I've lost her. And Im gonna move on! And thats it. Im happy. Whatever happens, happens for the best (I know, very cliched but I feel like writing it, so imma write it like a bawwss). 

The day I thought I would never get through, I got over you. 

Everybody Leaves

What do you conceal? 

What is it that you don't want to tell me?

Disgusted, I feel I'm failing 

Trying to compromise, realize The truth

What is it that you keep inside?

What pushes you to go and hide? 

Struggling to cope, I am denied 

Defied, Im not recognized 

So tell me if you're gonna walk away

Id rather not be taken for granted/ Coz id rather feel more wanted

Memories start corroding now

Wait for the time, When everybody leaves

Hello 2012

Let go, Jump in. Ohh well, what are you waiting for? Its alright, coz theres beauty in the breakdown. 

For the first time in a long long duration, I feel satisfied. In all aspects. Im just satisfied. I don't need anything to happen right now. Its just, ok right now. I mean I won't say its perfect, but its just right. Theres a big difference in feeling perfect and feeling right. Ive realized that now. I always wanted to feel perfect when I should have actually focused on feeling right. Thankfully, I feel right. Except for the Maths, everything is just how it should be. Im going to turn 17 in 23 days. Not excited at all. Yeah, lets see how many calls I get this year. I got none last time. Lets see If my parents get me a small Chocolate Fudge Cake from Big Chill with a cute candle on top of it and celebrate my birthday at midnight. Im thinking about my birthday, but Im not ecstatic about it. Ive had nice interactions/conversations with friends in the last couple of weeks. Feels fresh. People are finally understanding me. People can relate to how I feel, which is sometimes very creepy, Im not at all used to people understanding my weird thoughts. I was a subject for a Psychological survey of this girl doing Psychology honors in LSR. That test also really made me realize a lot of stuff. The fact that I do have an identity as a teenager, feels good. I feel much more confident now. I understand my ideals now, I can somehow really relate to them. Getting any of this? Confusion is something I still want to remove. Though that seems impossible. 

What has changed with the coming of this year? People. People have really changed, including me. I still remember, the first band I was ever in, my best friend just said randomly - Man! Two, Three years down the line, we would be so great! Drinking booze, smoking, we'll be playing gigs, having a fan following etc etc etc. And my first reaction was - "If I see you smoking even once, I will slap you right there and then." I still remember those words. Now look at the world, if you don't stone, you're not normal. Or thats what you see of people or the current trend. Girls are smoking, Guys are trying out new things. Weed, Hash, Ice, LSD etc etc. You ask someone and they'll give you a nice 5 minute detailed description of where you could easily get all of this. Its as if they're running a business. People are smoking inside school, getting high. And its not the 11thies, its the 8thies, the 9thies. Bloody kids. Have they matured this much? Fuck man, they get shorter every year but just seem to get smarter? After my operation, I'm not supposed to have a single drop of alcohol, let alone smoke or anything like that. Its been more than 7 months since I've been consuming alcohol, not on a regular basis, but taking in long gaps. Ive smoked up, Ive smoked cigarettes. Astonishingly I seem to be fine. Actually, I've never felt better. Its strange. Im still anxious. I want to get stoned, try hash, weed - all that green mystical stuff. I want to reach another level of the subconscious. What else am I thinking about? Intimate feelings. Physical attachment. It may sound like an asshole, but I really feel like hugging my opposite sex, making out with them? Ive started staring at the lips of girls, and just imaging it. If it would be possible or not. Sometimes I'm so tempted I really need to walk away. But then again I guess its normal. Or it isn't? I guess its healthy to feel this way? I mean all those couples do make out and do loads of stuff when they aren't in front of everyone. Its true! Admit it! No, really. 

One more thing, Im not getting emotionally attached with any girl now. No chance thats happening! Atleast Ill try my best! I don't want to get fucked again. Its me who fucks things up, and then I blame the other person. I want to avoid. Plus, I have other things to focus on. My music. Admission into the UK, XIth finals, Class XII, Maths tuition. Yes, all these things matter also. Unless someone accidentally comes into my life and something happens, Im not going to force feelings on myself this time. I will try and control them if they happen, but Im not going to tell a girl that I like her anymore. Im done with that, it doesn't work. I guess I'm just going to try and be a player. No wait, bad plan. Im not rude and I'm not bad. I cant flirt with girls and Im not cute, or hot. Im just maybe one social outcast. Maybe the only thing that saves me from not being one is playing the guitar and being in the class XI band. 

Ohh and, I'm going to make my blog personal now. So yeah, just tell me if you want to read it, Ill give you the permission to read. Considering the fact the feel the need to get more personal,  its better that way. 

1st January 2012

1st January 2012. Happy New Year Blogger World! :D And Yeah, need to get used to writing that. Was in Goa for 2 nights. My plane on the 30th landed 4 hours late so I really can't call 30th a day in Goa. -.- I was stuck at the Delhi Airport waiting for my flights' announcement then. :P Goa was nice, considering I've been there more than 12-13 times. I was really not looking forward to it. I really wanted to stay in Delhi and celebrate the New Year with my friends. But New Year with my family was actually quite refreshing. We are sooo into our own selves that we never get time for each other. And we finally got some time together as a family. I loved that more than anything else. I went to Panjim. Yes - Good old Panjim. The same place of amazing architectural and cultural heritage. Actually, Goa is still the same. You can actually imagine how life used to be back then because nothing has really changed. Its all the same. Feels good, nostalgic at times. I remember my old Goa trips. 

Ive been going to Goa since I was 3 years old. My mom and dad went to Goa when I was in my mums stomach! Thus Goa and I go a long way back. :P Ive spent I guess 12 New Years at Goa. Anyway, I couldn't go to Candolim this time. I really wanted to see the rush there after the Sunburn Fest. I really wanted to see the party scene and stuff. The New Year Party at the Hyatt Regency was excellent. The lovely food, the festivities and the crackers at the end. Got a real nice video of that because of the Canon. 1080p, HD Quality! ;) The weather was a bit hot, that was the only disappointment. But next year will surely be in Delhi. Im not going to Goa for a while now. :P Atleast till my boards end. :P 

Right now I'm flying back to Delhi. My flight is on time and much better than the flight I came on the 30th. Spicejet is BULLSHIT! Im traveling in Indigo right now and it is zee shizzz! Amazing food! I just had their Chicken 65 Kulcha. Amazing stuff. Im sitting on the window seat, and I just saw the sun set in the atmosphere. Its been a long time since I experienced something that beautiful. It was enchanting, as if it were straight out from a Disney comic. It was magical, artistic. It was just brilliant and soothing to the eyes and mind. People coming back from Goa? Take the 6:10 flight to experience what I just experienced. Now its back to Delhi, back to the cold. HOLIDAYS! YUSS!!! Studies, NO! -.- Pheww, theres just took much to do in the coming days, just toooo much! 

30th December 2011

This was supposed to be posted on the 30th of December but I didn't have time. -.-

Its already the 30th of December. It was as if the year just started yesterday. 2011 has come to an end real fast, but it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. So much stuff has happened, its unbelievable. It has been the most unexpected year ever. It had its ups and downs, but they were just so unexpected and sudden. I learnt a LOT in 2011. Its actually the first year when I'm thinking of making some new year resolutions. :P Some changes I really need to make to become a better person. Mostly the stuff I want to remove off my behavior/habits. Remove the cliches attached to my life. Ive actually come to realize the more important things in life, though I still need to set my priorities right. 

Studies, Class XII, Boards, International Applications, College, London, etc etc. 2012 will be the toughest year in my life. It will make or break me. I have a lot to look up to, I have a lot to do, a lot to prove. I need to make some people proud, show them my abilities, be strong, be responsible. I will not be weak in anyway, come what may. I will face every problem that comes my way and fight it. Whatever has to happen will happen. 

So as my flight is descending into the Dabolim International Airport Of Goa, Im becoming a stronger person. I would like to thank everyone who has been a part of my life in the year 2011. All of you have given me something to learn, and I can never forget that. Thanks for the support, Thanks for the guidance, Thanks for the moments, Thanks for the experiences. This world is vast and vivid, its just going to take more time to explore it deeper. Happy New Year in advance blogger world! :D