13th February 2012

The fact that I still love her, really creeps me out. And what my friend rightly said, I loved her for what she was. I really don't care that she's in love with someone else, but it does sting sometimes. Like generally, she would be talking to me right now - But she's gaming with him. The sole reason she's up till 1:50 at night (with was rarely the case) is because of him. She vowed not to get emotionally attached to anyone. I thought I could change that. But sadly, that was not to be. And then its just so hard to gasp sometimes, you know. There is just so much that I have got to say. Well, fuck yeah I'm emotional. Im proud to be a person like that. Im proud that it doesn't take me much time to say what I really want to say. Im proud that I don't feel hesitated. I mean, this blog was public from the beginning. The only reason I blocked it for non blogger users is because she read the posts and it was quite awkward. And then it was the people telling me to not make it public. Anyway, fuck that. The fact is, Im happy that she is happy and in content, but I really really miss her. As a friend, as someone whom I loved, as someone whom I can just talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss that space of satisfaction she gave me. Sure id love to talk to her everyday at night, even today - after everything that happened. My minds all confused. Then on top of that, I feel like I like 2-3 girls but am hesitant. Why is this all getting so confusing and problematic? I just want someone who just likes me for the person who I am. Im just looking for a sweet girl man. Im not demanding anything. All I need is the truth and the trust. When I see people like Sid and Maduli, I really feel happy and you know, just kind of move on - thinking one day I will have someone like that who will love me no matter what happens. But then it just doesn't happen. Yeah, I know. I seem to just be writing about how sad I am or how desperate I am? Sure I sound desperate right now, but I don't know. I don't want a relationship, I just want someone who loves me and gives me that special feeling - that special space. That special space which is not for everyone else, just for me. Im ready to give that to someone on the drop of the hat. That may not be the best thing, but Im ready to take the fucking leap. Im kind of scared though. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be that expressive, but then I feel as if I've not lived if I haven't gotten out everything inside. There are still things I haven't told her. There are still things I would like to tell her everyday, every moment - just keep repeating it, but you know. Thats it I guess, for now. I still love her, and thats somehow haunting me now.