Hello 2012

Let go, Jump in. Ohh well, what are you waiting for? Its alright, coz theres beauty in the breakdown. 

For the first time in a long long duration, I feel satisfied. In all aspects. Im just satisfied. I don't need anything to happen right now. Its just, ok right now. I mean I won't say its perfect, but its just right. Theres a big difference in feeling perfect and feeling right. Ive realized that now. I always wanted to feel perfect when I should have actually focused on feeling right. Thankfully, I feel right. Except for the Maths, everything is just how it should be. Im going to turn 17 in 23 days. Not excited at all. Yeah, lets see how many calls I get this year. I got none last time. Lets see If my parents get me a small Chocolate Fudge Cake from Big Chill with a cute candle on top of it and celebrate my birthday at midnight. Im thinking about my birthday, but Im not ecstatic about it. Ive had nice interactions/conversations with friends in the last couple of weeks. Feels fresh. People are finally understanding me. People can relate to how I feel, which is sometimes very creepy, Im not at all used to people understanding my weird thoughts. I was a subject for a Psychological survey of this girl doing Psychology honors in LSR. That test also really made me realize a lot of stuff. The fact that I do have an identity as a teenager, feels good. I feel much more confident now. I understand my ideals now, I can somehow really relate to them. Getting any of this? Confusion is something I still want to remove. Though that seems impossible. 

What has changed with the coming of this year? People. People have really changed, including me. I still remember, the first band I was ever in, my best friend just said randomly - Man! Two, Three years down the line, we would be so great! Drinking booze, smoking, we'll be playing gigs, having a fan following etc etc etc. And my first reaction was - "If I see you smoking even once, I will slap you right there and then." I still remember those words. Now look at the world, if you don't stone, you're not normal. Or thats what you see of people or the current trend. Girls are smoking, Guys are trying out new things. Weed, Hash, Ice, LSD etc etc. You ask someone and they'll give you a nice 5 minute detailed description of where you could easily get all of this. Its as if they're running a business. People are smoking inside school, getting high. And its not the 11thies, its the 8thies, the 9thies. Bloody kids. Have they matured this much? Fuck man, they get shorter every year but just seem to get smarter? After my operation, I'm not supposed to have a single drop of alcohol, let alone smoke or anything like that. Its been more than 7 months since I've been consuming alcohol, not on a regular basis, but taking in long gaps. Ive smoked up, Ive smoked cigarettes. Astonishingly I seem to be fine. Actually, I've never felt better. Its strange. Im still anxious. I want to get stoned, try hash, weed - all that green mystical stuff. I want to reach another level of the subconscious. What else am I thinking about? Intimate feelings. Physical attachment. It may sound like an asshole, but I really feel like hugging my opposite sex, making out with them? Ive started staring at the lips of girls, and just imaging it. If it would be possible or not. Sometimes I'm so tempted I really need to walk away. But then again I guess its normal. Or it isn't? I guess its healthy to feel this way? I mean all those couples do make out and do loads of stuff when they aren't in front of everyone. Its true! Admit it! No, really. 

One more thing, Im not getting emotionally attached with any girl now. No chance thats happening! Atleast Ill try my best! I don't want to get fucked again. Its me who fucks things up, and then I blame the other person. I want to avoid. Plus, I have other things to focus on. My music. Admission into the UK, XIth finals, Class XII, Maths tuition. Yes, all these things matter also. Unless someone accidentally comes into my life and something happens, Im not going to force feelings on myself this time. I will try and control them if they happen, but Im not going to tell a girl that I like her anymore. Im done with that, it doesn't work. I guess I'm just going to try and be a player. No wait, bad plan. Im not rude and I'm not bad. I cant flirt with girls and Im not cute, or hot. Im just maybe one social outcast. Maybe the only thing that saves me from not being one is playing the guitar and being in the class XI band. 

Ohh and, I'm going to make my blog personal now. So yeah, just tell me if you want to read it, Ill give you the permission to read. Considering the fact the feel the need to get more personal,  its better that way.