Fuckery/Fakery

Rewind back 12 years or more. What do I want to do when I grow up? I could never answer this question when I was a kid. I would just say, maybe a lawyer. I mean, thats all I ever heard. In the house, there were people who either cut up bodies of human beings on a bed with lights on top of them, or the people who would read files, argue in front of some old man and bring justice in the lives of people. The second part just seemed cool so I would go with it. 

Fast Forward to right now. What do I want to do when I grow up? The dream would be, pursue music. Maybe get a degree from Berklee, TISCH or Trinity. Start working as maybe a music producer or something to support myself, along with that make a band. Make a huge success with the band - make albums, tour, become sensations - get known internationally. Thats the dream. What will I probably do? Study like a fucking ass throughout this year, till March next year. Keep listening to shit the people around me. My thoughts and ideas will obviously not be appreciated because I will need to have the marks to get into a good college. I mean, If I don't study - I won't even get into a capitation college. So yeah, after that ill do college from somewhere out of India, come back - do Law. Be a lawyer for the rest of my life. No music, nothing. What could be an alternative from this fucked up life? Just somehow get into any university in the UK. SOMEHOW! My parents will be happy. There, I will be able to expand my knowledge of music and maybe form bands and make music. Maybe do gigs, release albums, but most of all - See thousands of bands because everyone comes to the UK, Right? 

I believe that is possible, but then for a very limited time. After say 3 or 4 years, Ill be back in India and won't have the same options and space as compared to England. People will be the usual people, not so open. They will keep questioning me in whatever I do, try to put me down. I mean, thats how society is. But then the million dollar question which I still haven't been able to answer, Do i follow my dreams or what my parents want for me? or rather, what my parents want from me. Sounds rude, but its true. Somewhere deep down inside, every parent wants their children to do something really specific. They want to see them in a certain position. So yeah, thats how it is. And its fucking with me every single second. Then there is the psychological stress of a teenagers mind. Its not as funny as it sounds. Im just too tired of thinking of how to make my own life - It seems I'm just being ordered to do something and live life how society wants me to. I wish my parents weren't emotional, otherwise I would have somehow not cared. But the fact is that they love me and they want to make sure that i don't fall in trouble when I grow up. But then again, only from my mistakes will I learn and become something on my own. I don't want to be dependent on anyone and neither do I want anyone to expect anything from me. That thought just drives me crazy. Its like I don't do things for myself, but for others. You know what, lets get into a University in the UK. My parents will be happy, their name will be good in society because of their one and only son. But what about me? 

Do my views also count? On top of that basic teenage fuckery/fakery. Its really hard to digest how people can be so cold and so insensitive. Its beyond me. I don't know if I'm depressed or not, but I sure don't feel happy. -.- I mean, school is good. Some people do make me feel happy and I have fun, but then most of the times its like I have to fight for attention. And then I come back home and its all sucky again. Tuition teachers cannot be worse. I really don't know how Im going to go through the next 3 weeks. FUCK!