Its actually all about the bullshit. The things that you always ignore are the ones that you should pay attention. Im so confused these days its not even funny. Love, Lust, Friendship, Hatred, Happiness, Sadness - there are like two sides to everything, two ways of thinking about everything. Both totally opposite, hypocritical, paradoxical. Theres no way that they can intersect inside a Venn Diagram. I really want them to, but it just does not happen. I love her, but then I hate her. Or do I really feel any of those feelings? Can I still continue to talk to him knowing that he may just be saying false things about me everywhere? Should I go to that party knowing that most of the people there will be drinking, smoking, getting drunk etc etc? Do I drink or smoke when Im not allowed to? When it is actually life hazarding to me? A high amount of anxiousness is what I'm going through all this week. Someone goes out of contact, a new person comes in. Someone puts you down, someone makes you feel proud. Some people are just pricks, some people are so sweet and kind that you really feel nice about it. Some people really care, some just don't. Some take the blame, some just blame it on the others. So does going with the flow actually help? Well thats how its supposed to happen you know. You cant change whats going to happen. Theres a really hot, drunk girl dancing and grinding in front of you, you could easily go there and talk to her but then your friend needs you at the same time. After making all these choices and rethinking them, you're proud that you did what you did, but sometimes you really feel bored and monotonous and you really want to make that other choice. Maybe I am going to make the other choice the next time. Maybe I'm not. Yes, No. No, Yes. Its like two forces intimidating, sucking up my mind. I just want to break free. But then one goes, really? Don't you just want to be controlled by me and have fun? Then the other goes, you rather be controlled by me and make the right decisions in life. What is life? What is my goal? What has god sent me for? What is the task he has given to me? I want to finish it and get done with everything. But then again, I just want to keep living and experiencing new stuff. Do you really know what you are? Do you have any clue what you're made of? Once you realize that, choices will be much easier.
I really want to do something different. I try everyday and try to do something different with whatever skills I have. Make a riff that is totally different, sketch out something that no one can actually identify, but me. Write something which is difficult to understand and crack. Really get my mind straight as to what I want to do. She's a nice friend, she's really hot, she has a sexy voice but then what about the one you love? Again, do you really love anyone? I really want to love someone, but then I really feel like hooking up with someone. I want to do almost everything at the same time. That is if I combine the two ways of thinking about things. Do I believe in god? Do I pray everyday when nothing is actually happening? Do I wear a ring in my little finger of the right hand just because its said it removes negative vibes? No external things can possibly protect me, make me feel any different, make me feel something I've never felt in a long time or something I've never felt before. Conversations with your best friends become almost like talking to someone you met for the first time. Someone gets pissed off with you, and the next second - they aren't. Im not being able to get these things out of my system. Ive just been going down for the past month. Its a huge downfall. Im trying my fucking best to get up, but theres just a new boulder, a new obstacle everyday which puts me down. Someone give me an alternative path that I can take. Someone just do something for me once. Someone just take my problems on their shoulders once. Someone just stand for me once. Theres no one that I can rely on. And the shocking thing is, I cant even rely on myself. I pretend to be all strong and shit, but its just not working. Theres not a fucking band I'm in. Theres not a fucking riff Im being able to make. Theres not a single fucking sketch which is meaningful. Theres not a single moment which I can remember. Expectations are going down miserably. Dreams are on the verge of crashing. Someone just give me a time machine, a mind reading power. Someone just make me fucking superman. Someone just hold my hand and teach my how to fly. Someone just kiss me and say they are always there for me. Someone just talk to me like they used to just make things normal again. Someone just be that somebody I can use. Someone just fucking hang out with me and listen to my problems. Someone just appreciate what I'm trying to do. Someone just visualize what I want to do. Someone just help me how to understand myself. Do I need psychotherapy? That could actually help you know. But then can I really share things which I never want to get out.
I just feel like getting high sometimes, make my higher mind work its powers. Cant I just get that pill in Limitless which makes you utilize 100% your brain? Some fucking scientist in some fucking research laboratory - fucking make it! I want to see unicorns. I want to just go up to a girl and try to kiss her. I want to just go upto a girl and say that I love her. I just want to go up to anyone and say whatever I want. I just want to do what I want to, not what this society wants me to do, because FUCK YOU! I won't do what you tell me. But then again, I question it, should I actually do all that stuff or just let things be?
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