Of All These Yesterdays

The worst thing ever, EVER - is when you want to cry and the tears don't fucking fall off. You want all that sadness to go away, you want to let it out. It just does not happen. After sometime, it just starts going inside rather than coming out, makes you feel disgusting. Makes you feel weak, makes you feel all that you're not. I mean, I'm really fucking emotional, but when I really want my emotions to come out, they don't. This is not the first time its happening, but I'm disappointed in the fact that I couldn't avoid it. Why does it have to happen with me? This was genuinely great. I was happy, finally. After a really long time, I was happy. I slept yo her voice, I got up to her voice. Her cute, unprepared face on Skype. Her laugh, they were all just beautiful. She called me first. I called back, we talked for around 30-35 minutes. She said she'll call back, she didn't call back - whatever the reason. I just finished talking to her online, and yeah - I guess its really over now. "You know, were not that tight enough". The first time she referred to both of us as 'we'. "What do you mean by not tight enough?" "Not tight meaning, not close enough". And thats it? Nothing more, nothing less? That is all, all this was? Its shocking how you can just take a person for granted. I mean, at what point did I not take your advice? At what time did I not see things with your prospective? At what time did I not think about you before doing anything major? At what time did I not just remember you when I was about to do take an important step. This is what I get? A phone call, which is rare. And then a nice sentence to top it all up with. "Im bored, Im gonna go now." Not even a bye? Really feels good. God, I wish I could just go back to when you really used to talk to me like I meant a thing to you. Its really hard to take this. Considering the fact that I failed myself. I failed myself. I let myself fall again, and get broken again. All over again. All of this, was really special. What all I had thought. The fact that maybe, maybe you actually liked me. Yes, I'm really bad with moving on. In every aspect. Things are just too deep for me. I don't know why, but they just are. You provided me with the strength, you provided me with the path, you provided me with everything that was missing. Now what am I supposed to do? Feel happy about the fact that the way you talked to me today was not even the way you talked to me for the first time? I really wish I could turn back time. NOW. Its just fucked up. Its just not good. 

"Im covered fast, in the falling ashes. Of All These Yesterdays."