Make Them Stop!

Woke up in the morning around 10:40. Got ready for tuition in a hurry, got late as usual. Finished tuition, came back home. A general Saturday like it always is. I had to go and meet Siddhant, which was a change. I was going to meet him after ages. Had a bath, changed. General stuff. Suddenly, I see a number flashing on my phone which I think i know, but I still didn't know. Waited for a few seconds, picked it up. "Hi, How are you?" Im like, who is this? I went, "Hi". The voice repeated, "Yatin, How've you been?" Was it really her? It was her. I mean, how can she just randomly call me after two weeks and ask me as to how I was doing? How can she just do that? What does she think I am? Seriously. Finally, I somehow got over her. She took me for granted, fucked up my mind, and just called me back after two weeks and asked me as to how I was doing? Mind Games. Its the fucking mind games, and she's playing them well. But why me? Im the good guy, I really am. Im the good, innocent guy who just fell in love. Im the one who fell in love, again. Im the one who got taken for granted, again. So who is she to call me randomly on a sunny Saturday morning and say my name? She didn't exist for the past two weeks. She was erased. Erased! How can she just come back into my life and prove her existence? How can she just do that and remind me of EVERYTHING that happened? How can she just made me talk all normally to her? How can she just do that after saying that all we had was just nothing. It just amazes me. I cant stop emotions from flowing. They're endless. They just don't stop. MAKE THEM STOP! The more I hate her every second, the more I love her. Why? This is treacherous. She is treacherous. A treacherous, sadistic, little hussy. I never meant anything to her. So what does this phone call mean? And then I get a call from someone else, put you on hold, and you cut the phone? I mean, seriously. Im pissed. Im damn pissed. Merry Christmas, right? Now fuck off. Thanks. 

21st December 2011

The last 4-5 days have actually been good! I got exemption from the Monday Test because I had a competition on Monday followed by another one on Tuesday. The first one was at Sommerville Noida, and the second at Shri Ram School. Both of them were great! We won 2nd in band at Sommerville. We played Glasgow Kiss by John Petrucci followed by a small section of the Mission Impossible theme. I was not satisfied with the decision. :/ I really thought our performance was far better than all the other performances, frankly speaking. After 5 competitions, we didn't get the first position. It really felt bad. But it was really a learning experience, that I have to say. We lost by a mere 2 marks. We lost by the finest of details. Sound problems were there again, but we really had a lot of fun on stage and that was what mattered in the end. Atleast that was the saving grace for that day. The next day, we went for a competition to Shri Ram School. 80's theme. We played You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi. That has to THE favorite performance for me personally. The lights, the stage, the crowd, the judges, the school, the people screaming. Everything. There were sound problems because of the bloody sound man, otherwise. it was really really nice! But again we got second, and it the decision was quote shocking to me. But we won first overall so thats cool enough. :) So thats at least a podium finish till now. :P 7 out of 8 podium finishes. :) That just sounds better. :P So I was mostly involved with that. 

Its really getting cold, and its not pretty. :/ Bloody 2 degrees in the morning when I go to school, I literally die. Touchwood I didn't get any cold or something. I finally attended class today after like 3-4 days. :P Went back to talking with friends, felt nice. Last 10 odd days of December have turned out to be really good. Im actually moving towards something new. Its time to get your new year resolutions ready. :P Speaking of new year resolutions, I will write them down, If i feel like. :P Just saying. Talked to a friend of mine today who really opens up to me somehow, and I open up to her as well. And it doesn't really matter, I'm not scared because she is really open to a lot of stuff. She can take all the boy humor and everything. This group of ours tease her by saying that she's not a girl to us but she's a boy. Her thinking is actually really vast. And come to think of it, she is really girly and independent at the same time. Well, girls are mostly independent in their thinking, or they pretend to be. Talking to someone who is almost going through the same situation that you're going through is really good and healthy. Each other can point out their own views and help each other, even if they dont know it or even if they don't care. There is no emotion being let out except for your own. Its kind of like you're talking to your self and self evaluating. She tries to get to know a boys perspective, I try to get to know a girls prospective. After today, I can conclude that we can talk about anything and everything. It just doesn't matter. I really wanted like that, that I can just talk to randomly while sitting under the sun in the football field, just having a laugh and talking about serious shit. Because most of the people just don't care. After a period of time, they just get bored. They want to know something interesting, if its not - bye bye, see you later. Yeah, its true. But she is someone who really makes me think positively, I'm being all positive today just because I had a nice 50 minute conversation with her. It really felt nice. I just wish I have more people like that to talk to. Or maybe just one is great. I like it that way. There is simply no complication. You really get to know how deep a person can get. Actually get to know yourself also. Wait, I guess I already said that? 

Anyways, all what it was, was two casual friends talking about life and the basic bullshit. :P I can't wait for the school to close. Our school is going to be open for the next week as well, when ALL schools of Delhi will be closed. Yeah. And it will open a week before ALL schools do. Yeah, my school is really getting sucky now. But then holidays, recording my own stuff. Im going to record a band! Yusss! :D It'll really be fun, I guess. 

PS - Theres only a year left in the existence of mankind, make it count people. Lol jk, this is all shit. I shall update my Facebook status on the 21st of December saying - Im alive! Or just make a song about it and post it. :P A real heavy, in your face song. Okay, Im done. No, thats how she talked. No, stop. 

kthanxbai. 

Fade Out, Vanish.

It Was Nice Knowing You

Lets reconsider. I no longer longer love blogging about you. I no longer feel anything for you. Texts? Deleted. Contact? Deleted. Thanks for fucking me up, you Sadistic, Little Hussy. And I mean it this time. I mean every fucking letter, every fucking word. It was nice knowing you. Im no longer hooked, you have no control over me. You're just pathetic. This was easier than expected. From the bottom of my heart that said those very three words, here's just two - FUCK OFF. 

Ps - All thanks to the wise words of a teenager. :) 

I Want To Break Free

It had been more than 30 minutes. The audio interface was still connected to the laptop, with Logic Pro on, the track continuously playing on repeat - over and over again. The bass was still connected, through the noise suppressor with the help of a red fender lead and a yellow warwick patch cable which was connected to the audio interface. Recording bass was done more than an hour back. I finished listening to a song called Whiskey Lullaby suggested by Kuhu. I ended up crying. Not because of a girl I really felt a strong connection with, but because of the fact that nothing ever seemed to fall in place for me. Ever. Its just not fair. Its been more than 2 years now. I have just been going down. My level of confidence, self respect, courage, honor, dignity. Everything is fading away. I am very lonely, no one even makes the effort to call me. Its as if I don't exist at times. Im far behind everything else. The train just passed me by, and I couldn't get on it. There was always someone who just pushed me away from the entry door of the train. Someone always didn't let me be successful, and this pouts to everyone in general. I really feel as if I'm taken for granted. I mean, why the fuck does this happen to me? Why cant just things work out for me, just once. All I need is that push, that drive, that taste of success. Just enough that I can get back on my feet. With no disrespect to anyone, I feel betrayed, hurt, tensed, irritated, stressed, tired. Im tired of all this bullshit. I cannot possible take it anymore. So whats in store now?  I just hope its something which is not bad. 

I really feel like running away somewhere. Just start fresh. TOTALLY FRESH. Away from everything. Because sadly, the music doesn't help me anymore. I mean, just run away man. Some place away from all the monotonous bullshit. Away from all the pain, from the misery, from the fucking human race. Just me and the nature. Just sometime to figure out what I really want to do and how I'm going to go about it. Let the trees, the clouds, the mountains, the flowers give me the inspiration to get up on my feet, for life is for living. Not for sitting around thinking about what you don't have. At some point of time, materialistic objects don't matter. Its the feelings that count the most. I really feel like sometimes I just didn't have feelings, I would rather be a robot than a human, all neutral and complex. Just not easy to figure out so that no one can get through my head. I really don't know what Im trying to do. 

Ive been sad for the past 2 hours now. I don't seem to find a way to feel better, rather than just sleeping and hoping that tomorrow will at least be better than today, but that just doesn't happen. Till when will this just keep happening? Music has lost its touch, my friends have drifted apart, theres no sign of love anywhere, hope is fading drastically. Please help me, raise me up. Raise me up, save me from the stormy seas, the dark clouds. Save me from the devils of hell, save me from the hate, save me from the sadness. Save me, for it is you who I rely on. For you it is you whom I trust. Guide me to the light at the end of the tunnel, for I am stranded somewhere in between. Show me the glimpse of the light that cuts through the deep realms of darkness. I am trapped. I want to break free. Help me break free, I need you. NOW. 

Lyrics for Song #2 aka Acoustic 2

Lyrics for song #2 aka Acoustic 2. Still working on them. I guess they seem ok for now, though I will really have to work on them for later. This is just the basic outline of it. Yeah. 

First segment :-

Here you go, casting your presence

Leaving signs of disfunction, sign of your hate

Don't just walk away 

Please let me explain, I don't want to hurt you

But you have to listen, listen to what I have to say

Look into my eyes 

Second Segment

Tear drops fall, on the ground 

Im losing hope, all memories gone

I feel like Ive been lost at sea

Trying to find, trying to find you.     

Verse 1 :- 

Searching far, finding clues

Forcing views, were confused 

Can you tell me how Im supposed to behave

So tell me now.

Chorus 1 :-

Why are you so ignorant?

You're a vivid imagination

Its Unexplained, its all unexplained 

Why are you so cold? 

You're a mesmerizing tale

You're Unexplained, You're all Unexplained

Chorus  2 :-

Why are you so scared?

Its only me

Why so Unexplained, its all unexplained 

And why are you so cold

You sadistic, little hussy

Your explained, Im unexplained

Soft Part (later)

Searching far, finding you

I fail to fall, but now you're lose

So tell me how you're going to hurt me

Im dying to know, Im dying to know

15th December 2011

"You treacherous, sadistic little hussy." As much as I love blogging about you. I am going to stop. YES. Its done. You no longer hold any special place here. You're normal again. And I don't mean any of those lines, they're just really cool. And well they are from my favorite current movie - The Art Of Getting By. 

Today I feel much better. Though surprised, I'm really happy that certain "things" happened today. The Teenage with the wise words made me realize the fact above stated. It really feels nice to know that people are there to hep you out. And moreover, whatever happens, some friends really do remain friends. Its funny. Today has really been paradoxical, compared to what I was going through these last 2-3 days. I am feeling a bit positive as of now. Im almost done with forgetting the past, It just needs to fade out now. Atleast I didn't get taken for granted. It again, is a learning experience. And lastly, Im done trying man. Imma chill out now. Focus. Focus on what I want for the future, what my goals would be. Two competitions next week. I mean, its been ages since I went for a competition and suddenly, Baam! Two in a row! HOW SWEET IS THAT? Im really happy to just be playing you know. I have been missing classes. :P I hope that doesn't get fucked up. Ive really taken some decisions today. I have decided to read a book. Yes, still seems impossible, but I will read it. The Fountainhead. It was recommended to me by a fellow blogger. And whatever she said, made a lot of sense and really made me all anxious about it. So yes, Im going to read it, or at least, try to read it. :P 

Recorded my second song today. Its 75% done. Laid out the basic format today. The audio interface and monitors really help in getting recording done. Its much easier and much more efficient. Im liking it. Theres progress everywhere. Im really going to let everything out here. Around 4 songs, everything that is inside of me will come out. I just hope it comes out beautifully. Im currently really liking what I've come up with. I hope that the creativity still keeps running the next time I connect my lead to the guitar, the next time I hold the pick, the next time I think of an idea in my head. Its really funny sometimes. I come up with some small thing, and slowly it builds up into this epic piece inside my head. It really sounds cool, the idea and everything, inside my head. Recently, I wasn't being able to get that out from my guitar, but now it seems to work. It really feels great. I really need to find someone to sing this. I just wish I could be a better singer. Im really really liking the vocal line that I've written. Its not structured, not the usual, its odd, and thats what I like about it. It just, flows. Will be recording a band soon as well. Im really looking forward to that. It will be my first experience recording someone I've never met in my life. :P So yeah, thats from the 25th. And then theres Sunrise Inc. on the 24th. This friend of mine wanted to make the plan for that day. Though I haven't heard them much, and Im not that into that kind of music, but ill just take my camera and click. That way, I can get back to working with the lens as well. Its been ages since I took a picture just randomly. I really miss those random moments when I would come up with something really creative and click it instantly. What else? Umm, thats all I'm feeling right now. :P 

Listen to this album Until We Have Faces by American Rock Band "R3D" or RED. Its simply beautiful. EVERY FUCKING SONG. Its a delight. A real delight. 

Just To Set The Record Straight

So one person in school today approached me and said, "Dude, why do you always keep writing all sad things in your blog?" I was like, because thats how I feel? I write down my feelings on my blog? He's like, "Dude, be all happy man. Theres no point being sad. Rote kyon rehta hai?" I was like, its cool that you want me to be happy,but please don't question what I write. You want to read it, you read it. Its your wish. Seriously, sometimes I just don't care what other people might say or feel about what I write in my blog. Its not for them you know. At the end, its for me. It really is. I can let out anything here. Whatever I wish to, I am not answerable to anyone. I hope it just stays that way. I really want people to respect what I write and if they don't, they should just not read it. Im proud of what Im writing here. Thats all. I wanted to make it all clear. 

Sometimes making things clear really matters. If you don't make things clear, people can really be mislead and it can really lead to a lot of problems. Imagine leading someone into thinking in a certain way which you maybe do not want the other person to think. Ultimately? Problems, more and more problems. Complications, different thoughts, clashing views, arguments, hatred, end of all relations. Yes, it happens. You just need to face the truth sometimes. Well, it wasn't meant to be. Like always, you really can't do anything about it. You can either keep lamenting about it, or just forget about it and move on. Really move on. Come to think of it, thats the hardest part. The lament disappears after sometime, but the strength to move on, that is really lacking. Considering the fact that Im thinking about her now. I did send her a message today, she didn't reply. So yeah. I should not think about it, but it just happens. Nothing can be done. All I can do is sit in this cold weather, wait, think, analyze, reconcile, control myself. Yesterday, I really felt as if I lost myself. I need to make sure that does NOT happen. The last thing that can possibly go wrong now is that I lose my own self. It is quite possible you know. Anyway, I am thinking about tomorrow. Whatever happened has happened, I cant do anything about it. Though again, I can learn from my mistakes and not make mistakes the next time. I said the exactly same thing last time, sadly it didn't work. Lets see. Its all skeptic stuff nowadays. 

Of All These Yesterdays

The worst thing ever, EVER - is when you want to cry and the tears don't fucking fall off. You want all that sadness to go away, you want to let it out. It just does not happen. After sometime, it just starts going inside rather than coming out, makes you feel disgusting. Makes you feel weak, makes you feel all that you're not. I mean, I'm really fucking emotional, but when I really want my emotions to come out, they don't. This is not the first time its happening, but I'm disappointed in the fact that I couldn't avoid it. Why does it have to happen with me? This was genuinely great. I was happy, finally. After a really long time, I was happy. I slept yo her voice, I got up to her voice. Her cute, unprepared face on Skype. Her laugh, they were all just beautiful. She called me first. I called back, we talked for around 30-35 minutes. She said she'll call back, she didn't call back - whatever the reason. I just finished talking to her online, and yeah - I guess its really over now. "You know, were not that tight enough". The first time she referred to both of us as 'we'. "What do you mean by not tight enough?" "Not tight meaning, not close enough". And thats it? Nothing more, nothing less? That is all, all this was? Its shocking how you can just take a person for granted. I mean, at what point did I not take your advice? At what time did I not see things with your prospective? At what time did I not think about you before doing anything major? At what time did I not just remember you when I was about to do take an important step. This is what I get? A phone call, which is rare. And then a nice sentence to top it all up with. "Im bored, Im gonna go now." Not even a bye? Really feels good. God, I wish I could just go back to when you really used to talk to me like I meant a thing to you. Its really hard to take this. Considering the fact that I failed myself. I failed myself. I let myself fall again, and get broken again. All over again. All of this, was really special. What all I had thought. The fact that maybe, maybe you actually liked me. Yes, I'm really bad with moving on. In every aspect. Things are just too deep for me. I don't know why, but they just are. You provided me with the strength, you provided me with the path, you provided me with everything that was missing. Now what am I supposed to do? Feel happy about the fact that the way you talked to me today was not even the way you talked to me for the first time? I really wish I could turn back time. NOW. Its just fucked up. Its just not good. 

"Im covered fast, in the falling ashes. Of All These Yesterdays."

Majestical Potato Head Groove Thing

Dear Life, CHANGE!

Sometimes I really wonder as to what the fuck Im supposed to do. Why am I here? What has god sent me for? Sometimes I just want to do that and get over with. Not to sound emo, but I'm just plain simple bored and tired. Same old shit everyday. Is 11th like this? Is this just a phase? I just hope it is. Because its driving me crazy! Ive been sick for the past two days, and not even serious sick. Just a mild viral. But it seems as if its been ages since I had anything this nominal. Taking steroids for almost more than two and a half years, running on a very low platelet count, on the verge of maybe dying at any point. That was what my general sickness was. Now that thats over, this just sucks! I really used to have a ball of a time at that time actually. Except for the drip on my hand, I did everything I wanted to do. I got the food I wanted to have. I had my laptop with me, my PS3, my IPod, my phone. EVERYTHING. And the best thing, everyone was around me, all concerned and stuff. Normal cough and cold is like, nothing. Its just irritating. Yeah. LIFE IS TOOO MONOTONOUS! I NEED CHANGE! CHANGE ME! ARE YOU LISTENING? PING ME, ADD ME AS A FRIEND ON FACEBOOK! MAKE ME DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Being a musician is turning out to be boring also. All you do is connect your guitar, record for sometime. Then stop. Repeat that, stop. Repeat that. Thats it. After sometime, even that is boring. Listening to music has become boring. I didn't know how that happened but it just happened. I just want to go somewhere where theres just no one. Just a Lomo camera, majestic animals, trees and greenery all around. Bright stars in the sky, the milky way. All that majestic and dreamy shit. Maybe you can add the "random gig girl." A little confused boy, and the random gig girl. Holding hands together and exploring this new world. I just hope they don't come across an apple and eat it. Stupid people. Come to think of it, nothing else matters. But in this case, if something different happens, after that. :P 

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just began to form, crop circles in the carpet. Well, sadly. I don't have that much patience. I want something to happen now! Writing THIS very post is also so monotonous. Its like included in the daily to do list. The imaginary list, where things just happen, daily. Everyday. 2011 started off very well. Many new things happened. But by the end of it, its started sucking! REAL BAD! I really want to go for a road trip, or an international trip or something. Alone! Just thoughts, me, some money, a backpack, the road. Just keep walking, do crazy shit. Yeah. These are just ideas of what is DIFFERENT! I WANT TO DO ALL OF THAT! I want to fully convert my room into a recording studio, with enough time to record bands, mix their tracks, etc etc! I WANT TO BE A MUSIC ENGINEER AT THE AGE OF 17! YES! I WANT TO DO THAT! AND BE A GOOD ONE ALSO! I really need to relax, but its just not happening. Maduli and I really met and spent some time together while recording Sidharth's song the other day after a long time! And we just talked about this. All of us have become so busy that we no longer have time for each other. Really? Ive toh been really sitting all alone and waiting for someone to call me or someone to message me and say, dude want to make some plan? Or something like that. Im just took bored and phased out. Really. UGH! 

Dear Life, CHANGE!

Sincerely,

Yatin Srivastava(A concerned soul)

8th December 2011

Today I got up in the morning around 6:20 to go for school, and my throat was hurting like anything! BAD INFECTION! I couldn't speak a word! I was sounding like fucking frankenstein. Imagine my voice with an octave pedal set on -5 or something. It was not good. Told my mom and dad about it, didn't go to school. Told my maid Im not going to school (she gave me the irritated look). Went back to sleep. Flash forward 7 hours. I was still sleeping like a baby. I had slept last night at around 1:30. General Laptop shit, I thought of recording something, but didn't have the energy so just slept off. 

I woke up around 2:30 in the afternoon. My parents were home eating lunch so I just went and sat with them for like 5 minutes, after which they rushed back for court. Dad ordered a Chicken Munchow Soup for me. I slowly got up, started recording. First started recording the cover of Ghost Walking, the new single by Lamb Of God. I was just about to finish that when the soup came. Started eating the soup, went online. Four notifications, not much. Then she came online, started talking to her. Then the internet got loose. Fixed that. Took around 2 minutes. Then the battery of my mac went off. :/ Then my mum called. All this shit started happening. I came back after say 10 minutes, she was gone. Texted her afterwards, still got no reply. I know I need to stop thinking about her, but its just not possible. Seeing her photo just wants to make me talk to her, just makes me think of her. Makes me feel better. Makes me feel beautiful. Aahh. Ive started dreaming regularly now, which technically means that my mind is NOT at peace. I still don't believe in that bullshit. Again, as I've mentioned earlier. Its all about the bullshit. Psychology test on Monday, ugghh. ITS SICKENING! Though the new chapter is kind of interesting. Or should I say, easy to understand and learn. I went to Nanking with my dad. AMAZING CHINESE FOOD! LOBSTER! FUCK YES! Imma have the leftovers tomorrow! YUSS! I just started feeling hungry again. My mouths watering. -.- School tomorrow. i really don't want to go, I may still be sick. But I have to because CBSE doesn't care, even If I have fucking dengue, I need to have 75% + attendance to sit in my final exams. As if that ever happens. 

Its been a really long time since I've written a daily post. Feels nice. Feels different, but still the same. Feels good. :) 

The Dream Plays In Reverse

Ps - And That's When He Let It All Out

I always thought that I was too emotionally attached with people, and its true. It has hurt me in the past, it tried to hurt me again, but it did just didn't happen this time. There came a time when I just lost hope. I was looking for a reason to be happy, I was looking for a distraction. Trying to look for a distraction became the biggest mistake I ever made, and I learnt from that. You know what, you really don't need to use the tag (a relationship) to be with someone. You don't even need that tag to specify two people that like each other. I don't know what I feel for you. Yes, I like you, but after that - its undefinable. Love is just a cliche. Its too old and its really gay. I don't know what love is. Im 16 and a half? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. Im sure you don't as well. I wished for nothing, I felt like nothing, less than actually. I mean, you came into my life in the most random way possible, and changed that. Yeah, playing the guitar turned out to be common. :) You have always been a great advisor. I could count on you whenever I needed someone. You were the shoulder where I could keep my head whenever I wanted. And you made sure it was soft and comfortable. So what if we didn't meet that much? I really thank technology for making it possible to talk to each other and even see each other over the internet. OK. VERY GAY. Sorry. :P Thanking technology and the internet? Seriously? :D 

I never intended to like you. You were just my new best friend. It just happened. I mean, you're so nice. You didn't care about anything, you would just talk to me and just hear me out. Sometimes, its like - why cant everyone be like that? Whenever I would be pissed - I would call you. Your voice, your laugh, your smile. Your reply to a text - All of this would just make me smile, make me happy and make me forget everything else. I always liked you for your emotions, I liked you for that clean, true and loving heart of yours. Yes, you are beautiful, but thats just immaterial for me. Yes, this may make you jump and go, DUDE! I AM HOT OK? :P But yeah, I love you for what you are inside, not outside. Okay, maybe a bit. :P I may not be the hottest or cutest guy out there. Im sure I have many imperfections, but I don't let these things change my thinking, what I feel for anyone rather. Im always true, and I always will be. I understand that you think that relationships suck because of your past experiences, and I totally respect that. You should be happy, you converted me into "you". I don't believe in relationships anymore. I just believe in a bond between two friends that surpasses any other feeling. Yeah, Id just love you holding my hair while kissing me. Id love that. Not because I'm a pervert, but because all these things according to me are just simply beautiful. I want to bw able to love you and have you be ok with it. Yeah, I do think like that. The best thing about all this, is that I'm saying what I always wanted to say. And then, Im just the happiest person to have you as a part of my life, as a friend. I cant imagine losing you. So what if any other thing except friendship is not going to happen right now, theres a whole lifetime ahead for both of us. I AM HAPPY THE WAY WE ARE RIGHT NOW. Maybe we may just go down this road sometime or the other, thats totally different and it does not matter right now. 

Ive said this to girls before, but Ive never meant it this deeply. I never liked a girl so deeply, so truly. Again, I've said its a cliche - but ill have to end with saying that I really love you. It was unfair of me not to say it, so here - I said it. But again, We remain friends, and thats that, just like you said.  :') I hope this makes you feel less awkward and more relaxed, like it always was. Like all our phone calls were, like all our Facebook conversations were, like all our Skype calls and texts were. I just hope everything works out positively. When I'm going to grow old and shit and look back at life, I will never forget what you did for me. NEVER.

Ps - And That's When He Let It All Out

"I was getting weak, but I knew that it was best to let go now. 

I was getting lost, but I knew that it was best to let go."

Ohh, So now you're taking me seriously?

Its actually all about the bullshit. The things that you always ignore are the ones that you should pay attention. Im so confused these days its not even funny. Love, Lust, Friendship, Hatred, Happiness, Sadness - there are like two sides to everything, two ways of thinking about everything. Both totally opposite, hypocritical, paradoxical. Theres no way that they can intersect inside a Venn Diagram. I really want them to, but it just does not happen. I love her, but then I hate her. Or do I really feel any of those feelings? Can I still continue to talk to him knowing that he may just be saying false things about me everywhere? Should I go to that party knowing that most of the people there will be drinking, smoking, getting drunk etc etc? Do I drink or smoke when Im not allowed to? When it is actually life hazarding to me? A high amount of anxiousness is what I'm going through all this week. Someone goes out of contact, a new person comes in. Someone puts you down, someone makes you feel proud. Some people are just pricks, some people are so sweet and kind that you really feel nice about it. Some people really care, some just don't. Some take the blame, some just blame it on the others. So does going with the flow actually help? Well thats how its supposed to happen you know. You cant change whats going to happen. Theres a really hot, drunk girl dancing and grinding in front of you, you could easily go there and talk to her but then your friend needs you at the same time. After making all these choices and rethinking them, you're proud that you did what you did, but sometimes you really feel bored and monotonous and you really want to make that other choice. Maybe I am going to make the other choice the next time. Maybe I'm not. Yes, No. No, Yes. Its like two forces intimidating, sucking up my mind. I just want to break free. But then one goes, really? Don't you just want to be controlled by me and have fun? Then the other goes, you rather be controlled by me and make the right decisions in life. What is life? What is my goal? What has god sent me for? What is the task he has given to me? I want to finish it and get done with everything. But then again, I just want to keep living and experiencing new stuff. Do you really know what you are? Do you have any clue what you're made of? Once you realize that, choices will be much easier. 

I really want to do something different. I try everyday and try to do something different with whatever skills I have. Make a riff that is totally different, sketch out something that no one can actually identify, but me. Write something which is difficult to understand and crack. Really get my mind straight as to what I want to do. She's a nice friend, she's really hot, she has a sexy voice but then what about the one you love? Again, do you really love anyone? I really want to love someone, but then I really feel like hooking up with someone. I want to do almost everything at the same time. That is if I combine the two ways of thinking about things. Do I believe in god? Do I pray everyday when nothing is actually happening? Do I wear a ring in my little finger of the right hand just because its said it removes negative vibes? No external things can possibly protect me, make me feel any different, make me feel something I've never felt in a long time or something I've never felt before. Conversations with your best friends become almost like talking to someone you met for the first time. Someone gets pissed off with you, and the next second - they aren't. Im not being able to get these things out of my system. Ive just been going down for the past month. Its a huge downfall. Im trying my fucking best to get up, but theres just a new boulder, a new obstacle everyday which puts me down. Someone give me an alternative path that I can take. Someone just do something for me once. Someone just take my problems on their shoulders once. Someone just stand for me once. Theres no one that I can rely on. And the shocking thing is, I cant even rely on myself. I pretend to be all strong and shit, but its just not working. Theres not a fucking band I'm in. Theres not a fucking riff Im being able to make. Theres not a single fucking sketch which is meaningful. Theres not a single moment which I can remember. Expectations are going down miserably. Dreams are on the verge of crashing. Someone just give me a time machine, a mind reading power. Someone just make me fucking superman. Someone just hold my hand and teach my how to fly. Someone just kiss me and say they are always there for me. Someone just talk to me like they used to just make things normal again. Someone just be that somebody I can use. Someone just fucking hang out with me and listen to my problems. Someone just appreciate what I'm trying to do. Someone just visualize what I want to do. Someone just help me how to understand myself. Do I need psychotherapy? That could actually help you know. But then can I really share things which I never want to get out. 

I just feel like getting high sometimes, make my higher mind work its powers. Cant I just get that pill in Limitless which makes you utilize 100% your brain? Some fucking scientist in some fucking research laboratory - fucking make it! I want to see unicorns. I want to just go up to a girl and try to kiss her. I want to just go upto a girl and say that I love her. I just want to go up to anyone and say whatever I want. I just want to do what I want to, not what this society wants me to do, because FUCK YOU! I won't do what you tell me. But then again, I question it, should I actually do all that stuff or just let things be?