Yes, Now I See The Sun

You somehow always end up feeling that what you’ve done is wrong. You blame yourself for the problems you are facing because you just aren’t ready to believe that the people you trusted would do something to harm you. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation for the past year or so. Throughout 2011, I faced a large number of problems and I blamed myself for all of them. I always thought that people could improve and that I should give them the opportunity to improve. Some people did improve, but others just ended up harming me even more. It was always very hard for me to accept the fact that they were wrong because they really meant a lot to me, but I somehow always knew the truth. What then happens is that you stop accepting the truth; you kind of make a world of your own. The thing to fear here is, you should not escape reality. I was luckily saved by some close friends of mine and I got back on track. Right now, I’ve done something that may just haunt me for the rest of my life, but I’m proud of it. I took a stand for my own happiness. You don’t get everything you know. Some people aren’t supposed to be a part of your lives; rather some people don’t deserve to be in your lives. They have harmed you enough and its time for them to go, no matter how much you loved or cared for them. And it’s best to just forget about them, may it be a person you knew for more than 10 years or someone you knew for just about a year.

You’ve got to be true and straight forward, but don’t trust anyone without thinking. And trust me, if girls give advice about other girls – listen to it. Face it; we boys can never understand girls. For us, girls are just so complex; they never seize to amaze. You really need to know your boundaries or you might just end up storing your emotions and feelings in her hands, and she may take full advantage of it. You will be tested time and again. The person would look for your support when he/she need it and then will discard you for someone else that they really want to get serious with. Sadly, you are not that person and there is nothing you can do about it. So its better you end it as fast as possible. Say whatever you have to say, don’t keep anything inside and don’t be scared. Don’t care about the consequences and just have confidence in yourself. The positive thing that maybe I’ve gained through my experiences is confidence. I am confident about what I want from life and what I want to do. Don’t worry, don’t lose hope. You will also find someone who is looking for you and who respects your emotions. It is true, you just have to wait. You may be desperate, but you should never hurt anyone’s sentiments deliberately.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve learnt who my true friends are and I’m going to stick with them. As far as relationships and girls are concerned, I’m done for sometime – at least college, unless something happens on its own. I’ve moved on, and I’ve never felt better.

Coz You're Unforgiven Too

“These last two weeks have really been confusing for me. It’s been a really tough time, and I guess I know what to do next. I just hope what I do would benefit me. I’ve known you for almost a year now and there hasn’t been anyone that has become so important to me in such a small time, ever. I feel I have you figured out now; at least that is what I think. To face the fact that all I was, was a spare and someone you need for emotional support, is just hurting. I do not regret anything that I’ve done. Whatever I did, I did it for myself and what I thought was right. Maybe loving you was a mistake, but I don’t regret it. It was that feeling that made me happy in a time where I was really losing track of things. I do not regretting my feelings on this blog. I never knew you would care enough to follow it. I guess I did underestimate you at times. But I want you to know, this is the place where I would look back and remember how I loved you and what I felt for you. This is a place where I would be able to recollect everything when I would be a bit older, because I don’t regret knowing you for even one bit. You are an amazing person; the fact that you gave me importance when no one else did was just overwhelming to say the least. You may find all this lame and boring, but this means a lot to me.  This always meant a lot to me, you always meant a lot to me.

I really don’t know where to stop. It’s just that, I’ve got so much to say to you. Im risking not even hanging out with you, something id die to do. No matter how much I try to be only friends, I can’t stop thinking about you in the way Ive been thinking about you. I know I’m losing a lot here, but I guess that’s just something I have to deal with it. It’s obvious that you don’t intend to help me stop thinking about you in that way and I guess that really suits you. You know the fact that I love and you like the fact that I’m your so called “puppet”, but I’m done here. I'm really done. You meant a lot to me, but you no longer mean anything to me. I'm no longer hung on you; I'm free as a bird. I’m glad you fell in love with someone else and I’m glad that you’re happy now. I hope you get into a good college and get settled. I just hope you might look back and remember me as the person who loved you from the bottom of his heart rather than the friend you used as an emotional backup. It was nice knowing you.”

Fascination

                                "I believe in you, I can show you that

                                 I can see right through, All your empty lies

                                 I won't last long, in this world so wrong."

19th March 2012

Its funny how sometimes a normal night stay with good old friends and two emotional movies with Emma Watson do to you. Its been 24 hours now since I've inhaled any 'herb' so to say and I still feel the same way. The past 2 days were so epic, that I don't even remember them. I'm not joking when I'm saying that. Im just thinking so deeply right now. I just pissed off X so badly. I tried talking to X2 about it but I guess she's sleeping now. Im listening to Trains (Porcupine Tree) right now and I'm feeling very weird. Im in a room where theres a huge kick drum beside me, a chair and a throne (drum throne) which is fallen on the extreme left of the room. Im sitting on a sofa which is so comfortable that I don't even feel like getting up even if I'm alone or hungry or anything. This is different. My exams ended on the 13th of March. I have not written anything since then. This is the first time I'm even opening text edit and writing something down. I guess I really should have used my trips and just write something, but it was supposed to be a secret. And it still is a secret, something you would never know. Unless you're really hot and you'll love me or you're Emma Roberts. Okay, that was supposed to be a joke okay? 

Im in the last year of schooling now. There are hardly 8 months of school remaining, then ill be out. I need to make these months count. Somehow, I need to improve my life. I have slowly started to appreciate it and feel good about how it already is, but now its time to just make it better and if there is rejection or failure, NOT BACK DOWN. I do not have a girlfriend, Im looking for love. Being single is irritating me now. So first is that I need to find someone who thinks like me and loves me for what I am. Get into a relationship with that girl, have a nice emotional support so to say? For doing that - I need to lose weight and just clean myself up a bit. I need to start going to gym as soon as possible. I need to grow as a musician. AND I need to get good marks in 12th. Just one year - its either everything, or nothing. The term 'something' doesn't make sense to me anymore. Im done with the term 'something'. That may be very hypocritical but the only thing I have to say in my defense is that I've grown as a person. Every single day, I'm growing and my thoughts will keep changing. Maybe ill stop loving X that much you know. Its all so different yet all linked together. Its like this maze with a simple solution to it, just the way to go about it is not yet sorted out. I really don't know where I'm heading with this but I feel very happy right now and at the same time I feel very sad. I really needed to listen to Xs voice. Its fucking insane. And on top of that, I pissed her off. So i don't know when I'm going to talk to her next. Brilliant! 

Im somewhere a bit sad at what has happened in so much time. The world changes so much its not funny. You should try your best to change what you can, and what you can't change - accept it as it is. Not many people can do that. I can't do that. But I will do it now. I just hope that by October 2012, I will have a post here which will be ALL positive. I just hope! My results come out on the 23rd of March. Really anxious and scared for that. I just hope I get a good result so that I can go for Download. 

Ps - X and X2 are just people you are not supposed to know about. Hehe. :p 

Those High Times #3

Let me tell you one thing. Girls are so dumb, its not even funny. I really thought they would have a mind on their own, I thought they had an intelligent mind - but theres no one like that. That's really sad. I mean, its not really hard to differentiate the asshole and the good guy you know. We know in 5 seconds if a person is in ass, or if he's the good one. Where does your brain fuck up where you don't know how to distinguish? The good guy stays with you for much longer than that asshole you're going to be in a relationship with. He loves you far more than that bastard, he's going to take more care of you than any of those jerks out there and he's going to respect you more than anyone. Is that something less? Or you're looking for something more? Like a fucked up brain which these assholes have? So, they look hot, proud and cocky - Y U LIKE THEM? And Im talking from experience - this is somewhat how it happens :-

The good guy shares a really friendly relationship with the girl. He thinks she's damn beautiful and the most legit and true person out there. She just thinks of the good guy as a friend, not someone she would date or go out with. You hide your feelings, but whatever you want to say to her, you ultimately say it. And the day you tell her, she replies by saying that she needs you "as a friend" or "My past is fucked up, I don't believe in relationships." What would be the difference between then and now? Let me tell you - its going to be the same. He's gonna talk in the same way he has always talked with you. You will be his top priority like it was before. He's going to take care of you just like before. Still, he expects nothing. The only thing changes is that he tells you what he has already been feeling for so long. Nothing else. And it doesn't make you a difference because you never thought of him in that context. So isn't that the ideal guy you want? So where is the fucking brain here? I hate how boys have somehow come to a level where they have really become mature. What is with the girls man? I only know a handful of girls who have chosen the right guy. And that is a rarity, sadly. 

I always question myself as to why all this shit happens to the good guys? Its said that we don't say the things at the right time. So what the fuck is the right time? He tells you he loves you, you tell him to stop thinking that way and in a matter of days you're in a relationship with some asshole? Now where does the "I don't believe in relationships" come from? Where does the "I need you as a friend right now" come from? I really want to know. Why are you all so fucking dumb? Open your minds. It would be better if you think twice before taking a decision. I have faced this experience first hand, and trust me, everyone breaks. You don't have the right to go around breaking peoples hearts. 

And for those who have gone through something like this, for future use - fucker. Its not that you don't deserve her, she doesn't deserve you. So forget about her, because trust me - its better.  

My thoughts on "KONY 2012"

So the world was exposed to KONY 2012 around two days back. It send a shockwave throughout Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, Blogger and any other social network site that exists. So what is KONY 2012 really about? It is a program run by a 'non-profit organization' called Invisible Children. This was my experience through the whole movie and what I felt about it, and what I feel about it now. 

So I found the video link of the video on a friends profile on Facebook. I have no idea what made me watch it, but I had just gotten over with my English exam and was too bored. After watching the whole movie, I cried. I told my parents about it, took the pledge on their site and ordered 3 action packs. I was suddenly stoked about 20th April 2012. It was as if I had found this motive in life, to say the at least. I was really stoked about it. I shared it on Facebook, posted it on my friends' walls etc etc. And then the whole world started posting about it. Then I came across this link to an article on the Red Seas Fire page (its a British Band) and what I read really made me sad. You can read the article here :- http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com/

I don't want to repeat whatever is written there. And it is important you read the whole thing to understand what this is all about. So according to the article, Invisible Child are basically making money out of this so called campaign for rescuing kids in Uganda and Africa against the atrocities of Joseph Kony. I felt as if everything that I had thought about the whole day was now useless. It felt as if I had been fooled, as if the world had been fooled. I slept on that. -.- But today, I looked at a more broader aspect. So here's this organization who is trying to make Kony famous so that he gets known throughout the world and gets persecuted for the heinous acts he has committed against the children of Uganda and Africa. Now if this organization is somehow making this possible? If this organization is interacting with the US government and helping out the Ugandan army in somehow killing Kony, what is the harm if they make some money out of it? If it gets the job done, where is the problem? 

Again, this is just what I think. People are going to be fickle minded. Let them be. First the video went viral, so people started posting about it praising Invisible Children, now after the blog post of Visible Children - people are hating Invisible Children. Why? Can't you just do some research and make your stand? An affirmative stand? I made my stand. Yes, I do feel a bit weird about the whole KONY 2012 movement and Invisible Children, but if it weren't for them - We would not have known. So I still support the movement, but keep in mind that I also support the need for Joseph Kony to be convicted and killed. I hope this movement goes somewhere. Im going to be out on the streets of Delhi on the 20th of April. WIll you? 

Through Deserts And Seas

Its 8:15 in the morning right now. I don't remember the last time I got up this early on a non-school day. Over with 2 exams. I have English tomorrow. Maths and History went really well, shockingly. Yesterday was fun! Amazing Earthquake! Crazy time during tuition. :P A bit of a boring evening. Tried to study English, went off to sleep at 11! Yes, that early. -.- 

And again, these days I've been just thinking about what I really want in life. Someone asked me the other day - "Do you have a girlfriend?" And I was like, you know - not really. And then they were like, "Yaar sabko chahiye hoti hai, shy mat ho." But I wasn't shy at all. I really think I don't want a girlfriend right now. I don't think I can be committed to a relationship right now. Unless something happens in the moment or something like that, no. You may think I'm a jerk, but I feel like having a physical relationship with someone, and thats seems not possible. So I just try to not think about it. And then somehow what my friends told me a year back, totally makes sense now! Relationships are too weird and messy and fucked up at the end of it. Nothing gets serious till college. People are just too fake or just not themselves. They try to portray something when they really aren't that. Im not denying that Ive not acted like that. But it is disastrous in the end. "And thats the thing about people who mean everything they say - They think everyone else does too."

The world has changed drastically, and I don't think its for the good. Now if theres an earthquake, people don't call each other to ask if all is good or even run for protection - They upload their Facebook statuses. Yes, I did that as well, But I really don't know where to draw the line. Maybe because I had nothing to do or maybe because no one was bothered if I was okay or not. I mean, people start talking about it with each other. No one seems to talk to me about it. Maybe thats a reason. But its just complicated. I somehow hate where humans are going. The importance of emotional relationships has just been forgotten. I see kids in 7th grade smoking in the school washrooms, fucking around dating 2 girls at the same and decreasing in height every year. What is happening? On the other side of the world. Randy Blythe stands up for elections of the United States Of America, and his campaign is bashed only because he's one of the worlds best Metal frontmen out there? I mean, how lame can this world be? "Metal makes people do wrong things." Really? Im sure If I would ever think of killing someone one day - Id just listen to my favorite Lamb Of God record and it would make me relax rather than make me more aggressive and angry. People just don't seem to understand the human sentiment anymore. Everyone thinks that what they say is correct and that is the gospel truth. That arrogant nature, that you are below me or I am higher than you - never seems to fade away. Something more like "You're not in my league." I mean, who are you to decide what the position of a person in society is? Just because your parents have good money and you drive an Audi and you're popular in school, doesn't make you higher than others. I mean, its just an example - Im not referring it to anyone. 

And then there are the weird ones. How can you like Watcha Say by Jason Derulo, which is totally copied by Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap more than Hide And Seek by Imogen? So now you listen to music also for entertainment? Its not about the intricacy of the music? What happened to the hard work that these musicians put in? Thats just less than all the computer programmed auto-tune shit? I have so many questions that I want this world to answer. But then again, its what I think. Someone else may think differently, but this is just me. And I'm proud that today, I have my own ideals and thoughts that drive to think in a certain way. Im happy that I have an identity and I'm proud of it. Yes, some unexpected things have happened in the last 2-3 months which I thought would never happen with me, but irrespective of that - Life seems on track. About the world? Don't know. Just got to ignore it I guess. I guess this is the time you make a world by yourself. Yeah? Anyone help me in doing that. Join me please? Id like a broader, but intelligent view. Anyway, now I shall go study English. And I have no idea what I just wrote here. 

Those High Times #3 - "Emotional Barriers"

Sometimes I just feel the need to love some you know. And that moment, every girl seems to be great. I don't see any girl that really moves me to think differently right now. Considering Ive really thought of just closing myself emotionally. But then ultimately I just feel like loving again. Its weird how we just forget stuff you know. I wish I could have held on the people that were important to me you know, from the beginning. Today, if I see - I do miss having a large friend circle, but now Im just happy to at least know a few people that I can trust. Its that care, that support that I sometimes need. Feel happy you know. Feel really because of someone. I have no idea why I'm writing this? What I decided when I was sober, was nothing like what I'm saying right now. :P This is blasphemy! AAA! Lets see who wins? But this is real fun, god it makes you relax, this magic puff. Its just amazing you know? It fuckn does it! You instantly want to feel all calm and relaxed, this is what you do.