Those High Times #1

"He'd known her for more than 11 years now. They were the best of friends. He had an amazing sense of humor, he was popular, good looking and overall - a very simple guy. He was quite the emotional guy. But she wasn't. Past experiences made her emotionally hurt and she didn't believe in any emotions anymore. She shut herself emotionally. All she wanted to do was hook up, whereas he loved her but was afraid to tell her. Being close friends, they met almost everyday. Even if it may be class XI, they spent quality time with each other. And then they hooked up. Curious thing, for the first time, it was different. "Im in love with this kid." After a long time, she finally felt emotional. She acted all normal for a moment. She became a human again. She fell in love, he was already in love. And they lived happily ever after." 

The usual good boy, good girl, great couple story? What if it something similar happened with you? But sadly, I'm the guy not in this short script. Im the one who loves the girl in this script and doesn't get her. Im the one who loses out. It really gets frustrating. You feel jealous, you feel angry, you obviously fell sad. You're broken. As if all that wasn't enough, this made me feel so much worse. This hit me straight in the heart! I mean, Im happy that she's happy. I really am, but I would have been happier if we would have been happy together. I mean, I was over her. And then this happened. Why? Why does all this shit have to happen with me? She finally feels emotional! After all this time, and guess who is it for? NOT ME! YAAYY! But again, I'm the good guy. And I do feel happy that she is happy. But mostly, I'm happy that she told me the truth. Im happy that she actually opened up to me. I feel happy that I made it less awkward for her. Im happy that I acted as a friend to her and helped her out. Im happy she's still my friend. And most of all, I'm lucky, because I'm in love with my best friend. I have just got to live in reality. Dreams keep coming. Somewhere down the line, I'm going to feel the same way about someone else, or someone may feel the same way about me. You never know. But one thing is clear - You cannot let your dreams come in the way of reality. Its important they stay in their respective places. You just have to stand up and give life a kick in the ass, you know. Something like that. Im still a bit confused, but I know Ill get past all this. There shall be a new beginning. There shall be a new script. There will be a new script. And the guy in the script, will be me. 

Nostalgia, Anger, Helplessness.

Sometimes even a smile on a young boys face can make your day. Something so innocent, so pure. Just seeing him laugh on stuff that was so generic and simple. It makes me think again. Childhood. Those were the times. Seriously, looking back. Life was so much simpler. It was so positive and happy and all that good shit. The grass was lush green, the moon was perfectly lit, the sun was beautiful. The smallest things mattered. Nowadays, everything is just taken for granted, isn't it? Friendship, people, love, respect, life. All these terms are just so cliched. I mean, my life is a mess right now. Why cant it be perfect like it was back then? Why cant we all be together again, and just forget about everything else? Now I crave for the days when my mum would sing me lullabies and put me to sleep. I crave for the days my dad used to take me on a drive to just anywhere and we would just sing along to those Madonna and Bee Gees over and over again. I miss having fun conversations with my parents. I miss keeping a birthday part with return presents and the musical chairs and the "khoii bags" as they were called. I miss playing hide and seek and the bornvita milk. Sometimes, I just want all that to come back. I mean back then, who would have imagined that life would be such a bitch? Its just so complex now and you know, theres so many expectations. Its like your breath is being taken away from you every moment. "Where are you going? When will you come back? Call me when you reach there. Why haven't you left yet? Its getting late. Come back now. What did you do? Why did you get late? When you are you going to study? Are you going to sleep now? Why haven't you gone to sleep yet? What time are your tuitions tomorrow?" OK, JUST STOP! ITS ENOUGH! IVE HAD ENOUGH! LET ME BREATHE! Seriously? Im beginning to have a life now, and please let me live it. I know you're concerned about me, but I'm no longer the small kid who would just go in circles around you. I may not know it feels but I'm sure it feels bad. But you also have to understand what Im going through. You need to atleast let me free so that I can spread my wings. Trust me, nothing will happen. I will still be that small child. I will never grow past that. Just give me the chance. I am capable enough. Believe in me, for I believe in you. But I'm sorry, I don't need to depend on you anymore, so just give me my space and my time. PLEASE! I will make you proud, you just need to trust me. Be patient! I know my responsibilities, and I know what I have to achieve myself. Just give me a chance. 

Nostalgia #1

As he went into the pre-operation room, he was given a pair of plastic bags to wear as shoes. He was already wearing the blue/white dress you wear in a hospital before you're going to get operated. His mother was waiting outside, trying to converse with him. If it weren't the pre-operation room, she would be sitting next to him talking loudly and just try to make him feel comfortable and relaxed. The time was approaching near. "Mummaa! Where's Papa?" "Ohh he's just coming, you know how he is. The relationship between him and hospitals are as usual, bad." His dad was around 20 feet away, standing outside the lift - fearing the very sight of his child in the pre-operation room. But he still had the guts to walk those 20 feet and be there for his child, for he was the rising sun in his life. Nothing else mattered. 

"No.5 - Master Srivastava, please." The feeling of anxiety that crossed his mind. He could die out there. He knew he was in the best of hands, but he was simple scared. Anything could go wrong. What if someone didn't cut him properly? What if the operation wasn't successful? What if the light went out in the Operation Theater? He was scared, but he was ready. He had the courage to lie down on the old, noise creating stretcher. It was either here, or there. He knew the difficulties, he knew the seriousness of the matter. "Everything will be fine. We will be waiting for you, come fast!" As soon as his father finished the sentence, he broke into tears, followed by his mother. For a second, he was going to cry - but he held his nerve. He had to overcome this and move on. I mean, he was just 16. There was a whole life in front of him. He hadn't finished school. He hadn't had even a single girlfriend, he hadn't experienced his first kiss, his friends were waiting for him to have a jam again. There was just took much to lose. As he looked up the stretcher, he saw lines of Operation theaters on both the right and left side, running endlessly. It seemed like a mirage, like a never ending path. Either you come back the way you came from, or travel further, into infinity. 

He entered the Operation Theatre. Four doctors picked him up and placed him on the main operation stretcher. Ahh, the coziness and the softness. He look a sigh of relief. His back was really starting to hurt on that crooked stretcher. A doctor started conversing with him, explained to him the whole procedure of the operation. There was the anesthesia team, then there was the operation team. He was surrounded by all sorts of wires, tumblers, words everywhere, hi-tech computers - all that techy hospital stuff. He felt nice. He could relate to it. "Ohh, Toshiba! Thats a nice monitor", he said to himself. He had never spoken that much to himself ever in his life. It was just him and his mind. A doctor started talking to him, asking him where he studied, how old he was, what were his parents' names, did he have a girlfriend or not. Basically he was getting a heavy dose of local anesthesia on his back. When the needle went in, it did hurt. Irrespective of the thousands of blood tests and the thousands of needles that pierced through his skin, a needle on the back really stung. And the pain when the anesthesia was released. It felt like a huge mass just demolishing the muscles inside and trying to enter inside. But he took the pain. One followed, then another one entered. The moment he would feel its done, another one would enter his back. After 5 injections, it was done. His back was numb now. He really had problems switching back to his original position. It was painful. Little did he know, pain was going to become a part of his life for the next 3 weeks or so. So the doctor told him about the anesthesia, the main anesthesia that would put him to sleep. And he was surrounded by a wonderful white light. The mask supplying pure oxygen was put over his mouth. And in the next ten seconds, he reached a different place altogether. 

He said, "I do not remember the next 3 hours AT ALL! It was as if they just put me to sleep there, and I got up in the recovery room." All seemed so much fun and he was happy that he faced a new experience in life. He was on the verge of facing something no one could have dreamt of at his age. This was the time he would become unique, this was the time he would cheat death and come out a stronger 16 year old teenager. This was the time when he became a man. He was brave, easy to handle and most important thing of all, he had hope. he believed that god would save him. And so he did. 

Redemption?

"I appreciate everything you've done/felt/thought of me. But talk to me when you know you can handle it."

Yes, she replied. It may be harsh, but its true. I was selfish, self-centered, utterly emotional, and I made a joke of myself. I was a dick. Yeah, I agree to that. I guess the fact that I can reply to her message now is solely because of her reply. It took me ages to figure out what was wrong with me. Embarrassingly, she realized it a long time back and was actually getting pissed off with it while i was connecting the dots. Yeah, I guess I can still say I love her. But now Im sure that I control my emotions with her. I go back to a relation id imagined with her a long time back. A vision that would have been happening right now if I wouldn't have fucked up. Hanging out, having coffee, beers, getting wasted, getting lunch/dinner (without it being called a date), maybe fooling around. Yeah, Id imagined all that. If that much would  have happened, I would have been a happy man. But well, the world is driven by the desire to get more. Greed, as they commonly call it. She saved me. And I still love her for the fact that she is true, she's not concerned with any emotional shit, she helps people, she guides people, she is confident, she is independent. She is just awesome. And well then she's hot and cute and beautiful but thats just what I feel about her. Anyway, the point is - Maybe she will start talking to me again. Maybe I will hear her voice again, her laugh again. Maybe I will get a second chance, and trust me, this time - I will not fuck it up. I SWEAR! And I'm going to become less emotional, at least try to be less emotional. Thats a resolution. Goal? To hang out with her once, just once - just the both of us, as friends. Just two individuals having a blast playing the PS3. Yeah. I just hope it gets back to the good old shit. 

Confession

Come to think of it, I never really thought about how you would feel about all this. I mean it was always about what I felt. I tried to ignore you in order to get over you, but that never seemed to work. And then I started blaming you for the condition I was in. Somehow the hate message felt good. I don't know why, but it just did. But that was just momentary and now it feels disgusting and disrespectful when I read it back. Im really sorry. I really don't have anything else to say. I mean, you actually cared for me. I know, whatever I wrote before was totally opposite to this, but somehow I never really meant that. I was an asshole, a big one. You called me and I didn't pick up. It was rude, but frankly, I didn't have the guts to pick up the call. I always wanted to be friends. It was all just perfect. We would have actually had a lot of fun together, But then I got fucked up, cannot really rectify that. My loss. I still remember how we used to talk before and Im sorry that I made it awkward for you. You are an amazing person. I don't even know if you're going to reply to this. I just want you to know, that you were the best thing that happened to me last year, not in terms of anything else - just as a friend. And well, I am emotional. I just can't shut myself can I? Its who I am, and I think that could never change. And please don't call, because I still won't have the guts to pick up the phone, though I would give anything to hear that laugh again. I know that there is no way things can get back to how they were when we were really good friends, and I don't expect anything from you either. I didn't know what I was thinking and it was all my fault. I'm really sorry. Best of luck for your pre-boards, boards. Study hard, and I'm sure you'll get into a really good college here. Best of luck bro, I guess ill never have a friend like you again. 

Bye! Take care, Cuhreep.

I still love her, I don't know when Ill be able to get over her. But eventually ill have to. Its actually time when I need to shutdown myself emotionally. Im all materialistic and into the physical shit? Yeah. Whatever it is, I've lost her. And Im gonna move on! And thats it. Im happy. Whatever happens, happens for the best (I know, very cliched but I feel like writing it, so imma write it like a bawwss). 

The day I thought I would never get through, I got over you. 

Everybody Leaves

What do you conceal? 

What is it that you don't want to tell me?

Disgusted, I feel I'm failing 

Trying to compromise, realize The truth

What is it that you keep inside?

What pushes you to go and hide? 

Struggling to cope, I am denied 

Defied, Im not recognized 

So tell me if you're gonna walk away

Id rather not be taken for granted/ Coz id rather feel more wanted

Memories start corroding now

Wait for the time, When everybody leaves

Hello 2012

Let go, Jump in. Ohh well, what are you waiting for? Its alright, coz theres beauty in the breakdown. 

For the first time in a long long duration, I feel satisfied. In all aspects. Im just satisfied. I don't need anything to happen right now. Its just, ok right now. I mean I won't say its perfect, but its just right. Theres a big difference in feeling perfect and feeling right. Ive realized that now. I always wanted to feel perfect when I should have actually focused on feeling right. Thankfully, I feel right. Except for the Maths, everything is just how it should be. Im going to turn 17 in 23 days. Not excited at all. Yeah, lets see how many calls I get this year. I got none last time. Lets see If my parents get me a small Chocolate Fudge Cake from Big Chill with a cute candle on top of it and celebrate my birthday at midnight. Im thinking about my birthday, but Im not ecstatic about it. Ive had nice interactions/conversations with friends in the last couple of weeks. Feels fresh. People are finally understanding me. People can relate to how I feel, which is sometimes very creepy, Im not at all used to people understanding my weird thoughts. I was a subject for a Psychological survey of this girl doing Psychology honors in LSR. That test also really made me realize a lot of stuff. The fact that I do have an identity as a teenager, feels good. I feel much more confident now. I understand my ideals now, I can somehow really relate to them. Getting any of this? Confusion is something I still want to remove. Though that seems impossible. 

What has changed with the coming of this year? People. People have really changed, including me. I still remember, the first band I was ever in, my best friend just said randomly - Man! Two, Three years down the line, we would be so great! Drinking booze, smoking, we'll be playing gigs, having a fan following etc etc etc. And my first reaction was - "If I see you smoking even once, I will slap you right there and then." I still remember those words. Now look at the world, if you don't stone, you're not normal. Or thats what you see of people or the current trend. Girls are smoking, Guys are trying out new things. Weed, Hash, Ice, LSD etc etc. You ask someone and they'll give you a nice 5 minute detailed description of where you could easily get all of this. Its as if they're running a business. People are smoking inside school, getting high. And its not the 11thies, its the 8thies, the 9thies. Bloody kids. Have they matured this much? Fuck man, they get shorter every year but just seem to get smarter? After my operation, I'm not supposed to have a single drop of alcohol, let alone smoke or anything like that. Its been more than 7 months since I've been consuming alcohol, not on a regular basis, but taking in long gaps. Ive smoked up, Ive smoked cigarettes. Astonishingly I seem to be fine. Actually, I've never felt better. Its strange. Im still anxious. I want to get stoned, try hash, weed - all that green mystical stuff. I want to reach another level of the subconscious. What else am I thinking about? Intimate feelings. Physical attachment. It may sound like an asshole, but I really feel like hugging my opposite sex, making out with them? Ive started staring at the lips of girls, and just imaging it. If it would be possible or not. Sometimes I'm so tempted I really need to walk away. But then again I guess its normal. Or it isn't? I guess its healthy to feel this way? I mean all those couples do make out and do loads of stuff when they aren't in front of everyone. Its true! Admit it! No, really. 

One more thing, Im not getting emotionally attached with any girl now. No chance thats happening! Atleast Ill try my best! I don't want to get fucked again. Its me who fucks things up, and then I blame the other person. I want to avoid. Plus, I have other things to focus on. My music. Admission into the UK, XIth finals, Class XII, Maths tuition. Yes, all these things matter also. Unless someone accidentally comes into my life and something happens, Im not going to force feelings on myself this time. I will try and control them if they happen, but Im not going to tell a girl that I like her anymore. Im done with that, it doesn't work. I guess I'm just going to try and be a player. No wait, bad plan. Im not rude and I'm not bad. I cant flirt with girls and Im not cute, or hot. Im just maybe one social outcast. Maybe the only thing that saves me from not being one is playing the guitar and being in the class XI band. 

Ohh and, I'm going to make my blog personal now. So yeah, just tell me if you want to read it, Ill give you the permission to read. Considering the fact the feel the need to get more personal,  its better that way. 

1st January 2012

1st January 2012. Happy New Year Blogger World! :D And Yeah, need to get used to writing that. Was in Goa for 2 nights. My plane on the 30th landed 4 hours late so I really can't call 30th a day in Goa. -.- I was stuck at the Delhi Airport waiting for my flights' announcement then. :P Goa was nice, considering I've been there more than 12-13 times. I was really not looking forward to it. I really wanted to stay in Delhi and celebrate the New Year with my friends. But New Year with my family was actually quite refreshing. We are sooo into our own selves that we never get time for each other. And we finally got some time together as a family. I loved that more than anything else. I went to Panjim. Yes - Good old Panjim. The same place of amazing architectural and cultural heritage. Actually, Goa is still the same. You can actually imagine how life used to be back then because nothing has really changed. Its all the same. Feels good, nostalgic at times. I remember my old Goa trips. 

Ive been going to Goa since I was 3 years old. My mom and dad went to Goa when I was in my mums stomach! Thus Goa and I go a long way back. :P Ive spent I guess 12 New Years at Goa. Anyway, I couldn't go to Candolim this time. I really wanted to see the rush there after the Sunburn Fest. I really wanted to see the party scene and stuff. The New Year Party at the Hyatt Regency was excellent. The lovely food, the festivities and the crackers at the end. Got a real nice video of that because of the Canon. 1080p, HD Quality! ;) The weather was a bit hot, that was the only disappointment. But next year will surely be in Delhi. Im not going to Goa for a while now. :P Atleast till my boards end. :P 

Right now I'm flying back to Delhi. My flight is on time and much better than the flight I came on the 30th. Spicejet is BULLSHIT! Im traveling in Indigo right now and it is zee shizzz! Amazing food! I just had their Chicken 65 Kulcha. Amazing stuff. Im sitting on the window seat, and I just saw the sun set in the atmosphere. Its been a long time since I experienced something that beautiful. It was enchanting, as if it were straight out from a Disney comic. It was magical, artistic. It was just brilliant and soothing to the eyes and mind. People coming back from Goa? Take the 6:10 flight to experience what I just experienced. Now its back to Delhi, back to the cold. HOLIDAYS! YUSS!!! Studies, NO! -.- Pheww, theres just took much to do in the coming days, just toooo much! 

30th December 2011

This was supposed to be posted on the 30th of December but I didn't have time. -.-

Its already the 30th of December. It was as if the year just started yesterday. 2011 has come to an end real fast, but it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. So much stuff has happened, its unbelievable. It has been the most unexpected year ever. It had its ups and downs, but they were just so unexpected and sudden. I learnt a LOT in 2011. Its actually the first year when I'm thinking of making some new year resolutions. :P Some changes I really need to make to become a better person. Mostly the stuff I want to remove off my behavior/habits. Remove the cliches attached to my life. Ive actually come to realize the more important things in life, though I still need to set my priorities right. 

Studies, Class XII, Boards, International Applications, College, London, etc etc. 2012 will be the toughest year in my life. It will make or break me. I have a lot to look up to, I have a lot to do, a lot to prove. I need to make some people proud, show them my abilities, be strong, be responsible. I will not be weak in anyway, come what may. I will face every problem that comes my way and fight it. Whatever has to happen will happen. 

So as my flight is descending into the Dabolim International Airport Of Goa, Im becoming a stronger person. I would like to thank everyone who has been a part of my life in the year 2011. All of you have given me something to learn, and I can never forget that. Thanks for the support, Thanks for the guidance, Thanks for the moments, Thanks for the experiences. This world is vast and vivid, its just going to take more time to explore it deeper. Happy New Year in advance blogger world! :D