Change?

So its 4:28 am. February 29th - yeah, the extra day that comes every 4 years. :P What will I be doing tomorrow/today? Well, studying maths. Yeah, exams from Friday. I'm only scared about Maths, everything else is great. Yeah, I've been studying 7-8 hours of ONLY Maths for the past 3-4 days. Its torturing so to say. My hands hurt. But the reason I'm up right now? THE NEW JASON MRAZ EP YOOO! Man! This new EP is the shizz! It made my fucking day! Im really happy right now! REALLY! Anyway, so basically - Ive got a LOT to plan for March and April! GOD! And all that will require quite a stable state of mind - yeah, I'm reaching there. 

I feel much better now, generally. I don't know, maybe my views about some things have changed. In the past years, with the experiences I've faced - I may have become a bit judgmental. Yeah, I know its wrong but I somehow feel that it would safeguard me for sometime at least. I won't trust anyone blindfoldedly maybe, or even give anyone a benefit of a doubt (which I have been doing in the past). At the moment, I really have a less number people that I really trust, and I just want to keep my relations with them the same. I obviously have emotional expectation and requirements, but Im just going to keep that on less priority now. Yes, a lot of change in priorities has occurred in the past 2-3 months. Though I'm still confused about what I really want to do. I mean, university and then what? Just another month and ill be in class 12. The deciding year. If it comes to studies, their burden is SO much right now - WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN 12th? Then BOARDS! AAA! And the disadvantage of the wonderful CCE, I have no experience of a fucking Board Exam. Yeah, thats for that Kapil Sibbal. One more thing I'm thinking about is really opening to people more. I mostly just say what I want to, but I've kept a lot inside for a long time. And I'm tired of peoples diplomacy. It doesn't work for me anymore. It may have worked some time back, but now it really pisses me off. So before I forget anything, I guess Im just going to make use of my wonderfully creative mind and just say some stuff to a certain number people. Yes, it involves some really deep stuff, apologies to a large number of people. and some answers from some people. 

Another thing - Going off somewhere with just friends after the exams get over. Really looking forward to that. I have never had a trip with JUST friends - So that is a first. That would be great! EXAMS! Y U NO GET OVER? :P (Imagine the troll picture please!). AND AND AND! I need to convince my parents to buy me the Download 2012 tickets as fast as possible! God, please make this happen! PLEASE! Its the 10th anniversary - METALLICA, BLACK SABBATH, TRIVIUM, DEVIN TOWNSEND, MACHINE HEAD, PERIPHERY! AAAAAAA! PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN! I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU! Okay, Im done. :P 

Fuckery/Fakery

Rewind back 12 years or more. What do I want to do when I grow up? I could never answer this question when I was a kid. I would just say, maybe a lawyer. I mean, thats all I ever heard. In the house, there were people who either cut up bodies of human beings on a bed with lights on top of them, or the people who would read files, argue in front of some old man and bring justice in the lives of people. The second part just seemed cool so I would go with it. 

Fast Forward to right now. What do I want to do when I grow up? The dream would be, pursue music. Maybe get a degree from Berklee, TISCH or Trinity. Start working as maybe a music producer or something to support myself, along with that make a band. Make a huge success with the band - make albums, tour, become sensations - get known internationally. Thats the dream. What will I probably do? Study like a fucking ass throughout this year, till March next year. Keep listening to shit the people around me. My thoughts and ideas will obviously not be appreciated because I will need to have the marks to get into a good college. I mean, If I don't study - I won't even get into a capitation college. So yeah, after that ill do college from somewhere out of India, come back - do Law. Be a lawyer for the rest of my life. No music, nothing. What could be an alternative from this fucked up life? Just somehow get into any university in the UK. SOMEHOW! My parents will be happy. There, I will be able to expand my knowledge of music and maybe form bands and make music. Maybe do gigs, release albums, but most of all - See thousands of bands because everyone comes to the UK, Right? 

I believe that is possible, but then for a very limited time. After say 3 or 4 years, Ill be back in India and won't have the same options and space as compared to England. People will be the usual people, not so open. They will keep questioning me in whatever I do, try to put me down. I mean, thats how society is. But then the million dollar question which I still haven't been able to answer, Do i follow my dreams or what my parents want for me? or rather, what my parents want from me. Sounds rude, but its true. Somewhere deep down inside, every parent wants their children to do something really specific. They want to see them in a certain position. So yeah, thats how it is. And its fucking with me every single second. Then there is the psychological stress of a teenagers mind. Its not as funny as it sounds. Im just too tired of thinking of how to make my own life - It seems I'm just being ordered to do something and live life how society wants me to. I wish my parents weren't emotional, otherwise I would have somehow not cared. But the fact is that they love me and they want to make sure that i don't fall in trouble when I grow up. But then again, only from my mistakes will I learn and become something on my own. I don't want to be dependent on anyone and neither do I want anyone to expect anything from me. That thought just drives me crazy. Its like I don't do things for myself, but for others. You know what, lets get into a University in the UK. My parents will be happy, their name will be good in society because of their one and only son. But what about me? 

Do my views also count? On top of that basic teenage fuckery/fakery. Its really hard to digest how people can be so cold and so insensitive. Its beyond me. I don't know if I'm depressed or not, but I sure don't feel happy. -.- I mean, school is good. Some people do make me feel happy and I have fun, but then most of the times its like I have to fight for attention. And then I come back home and its all sucky again. Tuition teachers cannot be worse. I really don't know how Im going to go through the next 3 weeks. FUCK! 

13th February 2012

The fact that I still love her, really creeps me out. And what my friend rightly said, I loved her for what she was. I really don't care that she's in love with someone else, but it does sting sometimes. Like generally, she would be talking to me right now - But she's gaming with him. The sole reason she's up till 1:50 at night (with was rarely the case) is because of him. She vowed not to get emotionally attached to anyone. I thought I could change that. But sadly, that was not to be. And then its just so hard to gasp sometimes, you know. There is just so much that I have got to say. Well, fuck yeah I'm emotional. Im proud to be a person like that. Im proud that it doesn't take me much time to say what I really want to say. Im proud that I don't feel hesitated. I mean, this blog was public from the beginning. The only reason I blocked it for non blogger users is because she read the posts and it was quite awkward. And then it was the people telling me to not make it public. Anyway, fuck that. The fact is, Im happy that she is happy and in content, but I really really miss her. As a friend, as someone whom I loved, as someone whom I can just talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss that space of satisfaction she gave me. Sure id love to talk to her everyday at night, even today - after everything that happened. My minds all confused. Then on top of that, I feel like I like 2-3 girls but am hesitant. Why is this all getting so confusing and problematic? I just want someone who just likes me for the person who I am. Im just looking for a sweet girl man. Im not demanding anything. All I need is the truth and the trust. When I see people like Sid and Maduli, I really feel happy and you know, just kind of move on - thinking one day I will have someone like that who will love me no matter what happens. But then it just doesn't happen. Yeah, I know. I seem to just be writing about how sad I am or how desperate I am? Sure I sound desperate right now, but I don't know. I don't want a relationship, I just want someone who loves me and gives me that special feeling - that special space. That special space which is not for everyone else, just for me. Im ready to give that to someone on the drop of the hat. That may not be the best thing, but Im ready to take the fucking leap. Im kind of scared though. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be that expressive, but then I feel as if I've not lived if I haven't gotten out everything inside. There are still things I haven't told her. There are still things I would like to tell her everyday, every moment - just keep repeating it, but you know. Thats it I guess, for now. I still love her, and thats somehow haunting me now. 

Those High Times #2 - "Heavily Baked"

I mean, why do I have the funniest and interesting conversations with girls who are already in a relationship? It would be wonderful if I had conversations like that with girls who are single, right? I mean, there's so many fish in the sea. I just need one of them, thats it. Anyone man! Im tired of talking to girls already in relationships talking about how cute their boyfriend is or how much they love their boyfriends blah blah blah. The list is fucking endless. Gosh, please! Just someone! I can be an interesting person. Why don't you just knock on my door? Im eagerly waiting for someone to open the door, find me and make me whole. Does that make sense? Gosh I'm so baked right now. Aaahhh! Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek, Phone, No laptop, baked. Ohh there is so much I want to write. But I don't know if I should write it or not. I keep trying to give you personal information , but it should be interesting as well. I don't want to bore you guts. Even if its like 4-5 people, I don't care. I'm just a simple boy with a confused/fucked teenage brain. 

They say where there is love, there is no fear. Sadly, I'm feared of loving again. Yeah, I just defied those ideologies there. Its like I really have to think about a thousand times before I convince myself that I like a certain girl. Yes, Its very intimidating. Love is supposed to set you free, here its locking me down inside this prison cell. Its like I'm caught in a web. Do you know how that feels? If you do, then i really feel for you too. After all that, I still love her. Yes, sadly - I still love her. Though she has a boyfriend now, shesmovedon. Im still in denial. What happened to all the good materials of life? Where did that life go away? Someone please hand it back to me. I beg of you. Aahhhh. Okay, bye now.