Fuck You 12th

The internet hasn't been working for the past 4 days now. Its kind of getting irritating, and its been a long time since I wrote. Ive been in my boxers and my t-shirt since morning, or afternoon I should say. Ive been watching old movies, listening to old music and just lazing around. Its that kind of a wednesday which has this boring Sunday kind of a vibe. Im just going to get ready to go for dinner in sometime, which I'm not really looking forward to, but its chinese so I guess it should work fine. For now. 

12th has already started to take its toll. Its getting frustrating. You study for long hours and still don't get good marks. Teachers try their best to humiliate you in class and make sure that your morale goes down. So I guess thats what I get for being a nice but maybe bit of a smart/sneeky child. My history teacher thinks that all I do in school is roam around and flirt with girls (which maybe kind of true) and Im sure most girls think I'm gay. Well as I told another girl, there are TWO very very valid reasons I spend time/interact with girls. Do I need to make it more obvious? And the reason behind me talking to a lot of girls is maybe because Im in humanities which has a majority of girls and maybe because I'm single. So just confirming - Im not gay, I love seeing women. I am sexually aroused towards women and I do not sit at night and watch gay porn when no one else is watching - my private history is a testament to that. On another tangent - my mom kind of knows that I drink, which is sad and good at the same time. Medically I cant drink, but I still do coz I'm a badass (that is meant to be a joke) and my parents go crazy when it comes to all that shit. But then suddenly my mom tells me today that she may know that I drink, so that was kind of comforting also. 

Ive suddenly starting to like the whole idea of being a hippie and roaming around the world. It started with roaming all around the world and then came down the ideas of a hippie considering it involves getting high as well. :P And dreadlocks - one day, when I really become thin and go to college somewhere outside - I SHALL TRY TO KEEP DREADLOCKS! And tattoos as well. All over my hands! I've already come up with ideas for a full sleeve on both the right and left hand. I met this girl in school whose in 10th. She's one of the best artists I've seen in a LONG time! She likes to listen to Metal and Hard Rock and all that crazy shit! And she is fascinated by the whole idea of getting high. So the knowledge that I acquired because of the internet kind of helped me spend some time with her. And its kind of really cool, at least Im working on something. Ive been cordially talking to K for more than 2 weeks now which is really really good. And its kind of cool how things aren't getting awkward and were back to talking about lame stuff and kind of talking how emotional stuff sucks balls. :P On the other hand, I cant get over the fact that N loves Ne, maybe because I still have some feelings for N and maybe because she thinks of me as a really good friend and shares almost everything with me. 

Yeah, I guess thats whats new - for now. Weekly tests, TOEFL on the 25th, Half Yearlies from the 15th of September. Time to study, A LOT. (Sigh) 

Isolation

Its just fucking irritating. Pretending to care, pretending to pay attention, just pretending to notice. Its words and actions that matter. Ive had enough of just sitting alone staring at my laptop screen and doing nothing. I try my best to be what I am, and that always seems to be less. I always seem to fail. May it be as a son, may it be as a friend, anything. I feel the need for belongingness, I feel the need to be appreciated, I feel the need to be respected. Now just look here. If you are reading this. You will see on the right hand side of this page it says more than 1500 views. 1500 views, no comments. NOT A SINGLE COMMENT. What does that do? How does 1500 views make a difference to me if there is no other fucking voice here that has an opinion or thought about my thoughts and what I'm going through. Its like this everywhere. I fucking record the music for everyone. They get the credit for an amazing song, blah blah blah. No one looks at the production, no one looks at the sound quality, no one looks at the effort I put into that track that made it sound good, which in turn made people like it. Its with everyone. With people that I know, with total strangers. Its just everywhere. I always seem to have something to say, whereas the other doesn't even want to get into a conversation with me. Its everyone. I've never felt so isolated. I've hit a creative block. I can't write music that sounds good to me. Ive lost interest in spending hours listening to music. I don't like a single movie out there. I spend my time just staring at my phone and playing Brick Breaker. For what? Everyone is indulged in some activity. They are close with people, they talk. They get appraisal for every single thing they do. 


I play the guitar, I'm going to finish Grade 8 this year. Ive had my share of experience with bands. I have more than 20 videos on YouTube. I produce music now as well. Ive recorded around 5-6 songs already (excluding my own). I have a keen interest in photography. I at least find my photographs better than those lame Facebook photography pages. I respect women. I believe in a serious relationship rather than using some girl for psychological pleasure and fun. Still people tend to ignore me, my presence, my abilities. If there's someone paying attention to me - he/she is either badgering me about something that I lack or making it obvious that I have nothing special in me. I sleep every night thinking about all this, just hoping it would all go away when I wake up in the morning. I go to the gym - take out my frustration. Again, hoping that something would change. When it doesn't, I get frustrated. But then I cant do anything because Im in fucking tuition and I have to pay attention and study. I study from morning till evening, hoping that someone makes some plans with me and I have some excursion out of the house. But no, I just keep sitting at home staring at this fucking laptop. FOR WHAT? 


If you're reading this. PLEASE COMMENT. Please give me a piece of your mind. Please tell me why there's no person in this fucking world who respects my fucking existence. No, this is not an attempt at increasing the number of fucking comments on my blog. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. IM TIRED OF JUST HAVING TO LISTEN TO MYSELF TALK ABOUT WHAT I FEEL. No, I am not having suicidal tendencies. I'm not that weak. Im just sad and broken. I've had enough of having a fucking lame life. Schools going to get over in say 5-6 months. 6 years of nothing. 6 years of pain, suffering, sacrifice. No appreciation, nothing. But the worst thing is. Im not that much of an outcast. Im in no fucking category. There is no one who comes up and tells me that i'm boring or irritating or something. Its just a silent trip. Lips sealed. Really? SPEAK THE FUCK UP! 

"Now I don't think you like me now."

Its one of those moments when you're just left in shock you know. You have no other option but to look away and walk off. No matter how much you want to revisit that moment again, just to see that face again - you know it was just coincidence. So I was running all around trying to find the balcony of the auditorium. I was kind of high - considering I was quite baked around two hours before that. I reached the backstage area by mistake, and there she was. She hadn't changed one bit. The same t-shirt, small jeans and heels. Maybe she got dreadlocks, but I didn't notice that much. God it was so awkward. I mean, I was sure ill see her one day, somewhere. But I never expected to see her on one of my most important days you know. Im about to go on stage in like an hour and boom - she pops in front of me. I could just stand there and keep staring at her all night, but I guess I did the right thing by just going away. Again, if i hadn't done anything. I would have been sitting with her, chilling out - helping her with the prize distributions and shit. She would have waited for my performance and maybe she would have hugged me after the performance was over. At that time, I was filled with hatred. So much hatred. But now I guess all that seems useless, though the after effects were seen on stage, for sure. 

Come to really think of how the whole thing shaped up and fell apart - you tend to miss the moments you spent with a person rather than the person. You want those moments to come back, rather than the person. Its like I've written in one of my songs - "And after all, we will find our home." Now that doesn't mean being together. Peace also exists in places where there is nothing. There is peace in the fact that she is living her own life and I'm living my own. There is peace in the fact that there is no connection between the both of us. Maybe that is what peace really is. When you are alone. Thats when you really come to realize your inner self - so to say. Do I have anything else to say? I don't think so. Would I like to say something about this whole saga? Maybe. For me its just another chapter that is now laid to rest. That was supposed to be laid to rest. I believe I've stopped dreaming now, again. Living in reality makes more sense. Somehow I go back to feeling the same way, but thats just a short time really. The fact that she's not in my mind frame anymore is calming. She's like the wave you loved to surf but don't want to anymore because even though it was cool you just crashed down. 

Why am I talking about this again, all of a sudden? Basically, nothing else has happened that seems to be important. At least, according to me. it was like a small spark in the middle of being monotonous. Thats all. Now I'm back to being all simple and monotonous and cold and non-receptive and into my own. Alone. I find peace that way. Just me and my music, just me and my pot, Thats it for now, I guess. 

Lost

Things seem weird. Its as if they aren't complete. Its like they aren't supposed to be complete. Im just left in this very strange state of happiness and sadness combined. I think theres a perfect balance of both of them, but that is somehow boring me. I used to have so much to think about. But now its like, that eagerness to write is gone - as if there's nothing inside my mind. Maybe I'm becoming less creative also. My body is just getting to lazy that I don't feel like doing anything. Like anything - except for sleeping. I got these new pairs of pillows and now the only thing I look forward to is sleeping. Ive got my concert day after tomorrow. I have been practicing for that for over a month now, hanging out with my band mates and friends and shit - but that also seems to lose interest after sometime. The progress on my EP is getting slower day by day. My musician friends are busy with school work and their SAT exam preparations and shit. They try their best to squeeze out time and work on my songs. I really appreciate that - but its starting to bug me now. I feel very anti-social. Maybe that is what I am. Maybe I am anti-social. Or again, maybe I'm thinking too much. 

Its as if everything is stagnant. I don't like stagnant. Its getting monotonous. Maybe its a sign for good things to come. Maybe its a whole cycle. Who really knows? Nothing could surprise me at this moment. Maybe the only thing that I'm actually looking forward to is reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and well, going to Switzerland. Its been ages since I have used the camera and taken some good pictures. And well, last holiday before grueling months of studies - how can I not be thinking about that? The weather is getting shitty. Things are slowing down. I don't like things slowed down. Delhi doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same when I walk on the road. Its as if its lost something. Its as if everything has lost something. My goal now, shall be to find the thing that is lost. I mean, for how long could it stay lost? I just wanted to write something so that I don't run out of words and ideas. So I guess thats it for now. See, this post also lacks something. This is pissing me off! AAAAA!

Light It Up

Pot. These three letters have changed almost everything. In the last 4 to 5 months, these 3 words have changed my life, my friends, my interests, my decisions - almost everything. These three words have helped me stand up for myself and fight. These three words made fly and feel almost weightless. These three words have got out the worst in me, but at the same time have helped me calm down. I do not get high because everyone does it or its cool to do weed and shit and stuff. I just get high because it helps me relax, it helps me concentrate and it helps me to think more deeply. When the senses seem to fade away, this shit kicks in and boosts your mood up. This is not a justification as to why I smoke up, but just an answer to society. Smoking weed is a bad thing. I don't even consider weed to be a drug because it grows naturally. The governments cannot legalize it only because it grows naturally and they won't be able to tax it. Its much better than drinking alcohol and getting all sloshed and so not in your senses. This shit makes you feel the unfeelable (if that word exists - meaning something which has personally never been felt before). It doesn't harm your body - YES, IT DOES NOT. Its way better than cigarettes and again - It makes you feel ohh so better! ;) Do it once or twice a week and you're cool. Keep a time gap between your joint so that you feel something new every time. Getting baked is good, not bad. You just need to do your research, know where to know from, for how much to score, what to score, to identify what you scored. And the last and the first thing that you need - learn how to roll a good joint. Ohh, you can practice with tea leaves if you have like time to waste but make sure that joint looks beautiful. Or in the words of the great Bob Marley - "If you're naughty, you can smoke it in a bong." Its better if you buy a glass bong but making a ghetto bong out of household appliances isn't bad either. Though this is like open information to everyone - you should not tell people you don't know and trust that you smoke up. Its how society is, they start perceiving you in different ways. So you should know people who are cool with it and if you are lucky enough - you're friends will also love what you're doing. And then you'll have the night stays and the long hours in the washroom sitting in a hotbox and laughing like jackasses. There is so much more to pot than just its criticism. Just don't do anything more than that, coz thats when shit gets heavy. I can, right now say that I will never do stuff like cocaine or heroin ever in my life. And everyone does this shit. You may not even you, your neighbor must be booming every night without anyone knowing. Somehow the magic is the moment when you get high and no one knows that you're high. On the other hand, being high with people is a lot of fun. You somehow connect much more easily. You do not see things, your senses just become more powerful. Music becomes thousand times better, food becomes thousand times tastier. Have anything, you'll feel as if you're having caviars or pizzas. And remember one thing, don't change yourself. You are the same person that you were before, nothing has changed. You just indulge in recreation activities, thats all. Don't care about the people who try to make you stop because you also know you can't do it. Do not feel embarrassed or different from other people, you have no time for their bullshit and be happy with the decision you've made. What you do inside your closed room is nobody's business. If you're happy, get high! You'll feel happier! If you're generally sad and depressed, get high! You'll laugh like you've never laughed before. Spread the love, share the emotion. Because the grass will always remain green. ;) 

Ps :- Im so stoned right now and this shit is so funny. I don't care what people have to say about me. :P 

Deadmen

Would anyone like to share? You, back there? Who, me? Really? Do I really need to share? Or am I fine just hiding all my emotions and thoughts inside? I never knew there this blog would go when I started off. I really didn't know. At one time, it was a necessity. I couldn't sleep without writing something. And look at today - Its been a long time since I've even thought of writing something. Everything has changed so dramatically. Whatever had to happen, has happened. All the heavy and deep stuff is sort of over. For now. Things are currently boring. I surely have calmed down a lot, ill thank the pot for that, but I'm kind of bored with that as well. The only word that can come to my mind is awkward. I don't know why I can't control my dirty perverted thoughts when it comes to people. Im sure they are pissed with me about that. Im somehow really irritating people these days. Its maybe because I'm generally irritated myself. 

I really don't know. Ive lost interested in songwriting. Ive lost interest in doing anything that involves deep thinking or extensive work of the mind. I just don't know why. I really don't know what I want. If I really look at it, I guess I can just call a very small bunch of people my real friends. Somehow people make it so obvious that they don't like my presence or sometimes even my existence. Seriously man, if you have the guts - just tell me! You have a problem with me? Talk to me about it? Don't discuss it with other people. Don't try to spoil the other persons view point about me. I don't have any problem with you, I don't go around saying stuff about you do I? Or should I also start doing that? Sorry, I won't go down to that level. You never really care about me, but when you find out that I smoke - you give me an hour long lecture telling me to quit. Why? Why the concern all of a sudden? Sometimes, I really don't get people man. I have so many questions that are unanswered, unexplained. I really don't get how other humans work, why they work in such fucked up ways. Fuck, I'm just being true. Is it just hard to withstand something which is simply true? I guess that has been the problem all along, accepting the truth. Standing for what is right, standing for what is true. I guess that is where people fail. I guess thats where I prosper and I guess that is the reason I feel alone right now. There is just a lack of people who appreciate my existence. Im not saying that I mind that fact, but I would like things to be back to how they used to be. I want people to get back to being good. I want people to get back to being true, back to accepting the truth. 

Everyone are just like Deadmen, just a physical body - no soul. It really saddens me. Okay, you fucked up. Say sorry man, Id give you another chance. Stop being fucking EGOISTIC! Because of you and your changing attitude, trying to change me - I've been contradicting myself quite often these days. And I don't appreciate that. I have no intensions of falling in love, I have no intensions of connecting with anyone on a deeper level. Though I would still love the company of the geisha long lost and forgotten. She may be the one who comes and rescues me with her art and her aura. I just hope she somehow connects with my art, my soul and makes me feel something different. Feel the vibration, feel the bells toll. But do you really want to go down the same path again? 

One confused little boy. He is 17 now, but still has no idea what live has  in store for him. He is eager. He wants to know, he would go to any depths to find his answers. Until then, he waits patiently. He stares at the clouds and waits for the rain to fall on his face again. He waits for the sun in the morning to rise and give his life a new beginning. She wants the moon to glitter at night and make his life worthwhile. Even going into different worlds doesn't help. The pot is over for sometime now, and so is his song. Until then, he waits patiently. 

"Another Chapter, Laid To Rest"

There it is. The end of another chapter in my life. If I see how this has been emotionally and socially, I’ve almost lost everything at the end. Though, I’m happy for the fact that I at least have some people that I can call my “REAL” friends. I’m also happy because my parents are happy with my effort at the end of this academic year. My year end result wasn’t that good but it wasn’t that bad either, though I personally feel I deserved more. Anyway, except for the never ending emotional confusion that I went through these weeks – they were simply a blast! A road trip with friends, countless night stays, a trip to Goa with just my dad, countless movies, parties, contemplation sessions etc etc. From tomorrow starts maybe the most enduring academic year that I’ll ever face. Class XII. This is it, nothing else matters (thank Metallica for that).

What do I look for is this academic session? I just hope I find more people whom I can trust and who actually give a shit about what I think. I’m not looking for love, but if it comes and knocks me at my door – I won’t mind giving it another try, I just won’t get deep if that’s possible? I just hope I get good marks in my boards so that I can apply to the UK and get accepted into maybe Cambridge or Oxford. I know it sounds huge, but I believe that I can do it. What the hell? Seriously, I’ve been through tougher shit before in my life. My Solo EP is delayed, now I'm looking at say end of June. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to stretch it more than that, I just hope I finish it by June. Am I looking for a band? No. I really don’t want to be in a band right now, I don’t think I’ll be able to contribute that much and I really can’t afford to deal with altering egos at this moment. Finally signing up for guitar classes tomorrow, really stoked for Soundwavez 2012 (The annual concert of Parikrama School of Music). I plan to record more bands in the coming months. I really want to do a lot but unfortunately I have really less time. I don’t think I’m doing anything else after July than studying, except for my Grade 8 guitar exam.

I just hope that I end up at the better place after March 2013. What I cannot afford is another emotional set-back, not that I’m scared of one – but I really am fed up of just getting into a compromising position. Anything else? I guess this is the 100^th time I’ve heard Unforgiven 2 in two days. God, how can you not love Metallica? Fucking Genius. I’m soon going to write about James for sure. That is long overdue, and yes yes – I shall click more this year! I went to a Think Floyd Gig the other day at Hard Rock and really got some good pictures. And to finish up, I hope I’m keeping this blog entertaining and realistic at the same time. Though I’ve not yet received a single comment, I won’t back down because I like what I’m doing here. :D